Star Warz: Trilogy 2
by The Compendium of Steve
Summary: Here it is: the sequel no one's been asking for! In this latest endeavor, the galaxy is faced with a far more intimidating threat than some sweaty nerds, along with an unexpected betrayal. Witness as our beloved rag-tag Jedi face their greatest battle yet, as well as face a revelation that will only add to the insanity. What insanity, exactly? Read and find out!
1. Episode 1

**Star Warz**

**Episode [skull]:**

**Dark Revelations**

_Yes! It's true! We are back and bigger than ever! You thought it was all over with the last trilogy, eh? Well wrong, bro! Prepare to face things that will leave you satisfied yet insane since your puny minds can't handle the intense action and story. You hear me!? You will beg for mercy and then some from our mighty.. (Some whispers in background) Huh? Oh, right. Sorry about that, I got a little carried away._

_Anyways, two years have past since the last of the fan boys were thwarted on Oceania. In that time, the Jedi have captured the spirit of Will and put it in a clone body that looked like his old self, and the great Sergeant Chris was promoted to general. Ever since then, the galaxy was at peace. Until... (Drum roll)_

_The galaxy was attacked by the Hellish Frowns, a terrorist organization/kick-a** space fleet that have matching black uniforms and ships. As they made wide-spread strikes across many planets, the fleet eventually reached Coruscant, where a massive space battle/land assault took place. As the Jedi fight against the large enemy force, they will soon face a most enigmatic and unexpected enemy, who will change their destinies for something more actiony..._

(Turn to Coruscant, where the sky is filled with hundreds of ominous black fighters. There are many explosions in space as they fight Republic forces. Meanwhile on the surface, many buildings are on fire as lasers and explosions occur. Some black ships are being chased by the Century Sparrow.)

Squishy: I've got them in my sights. Anna, load the ferret-ordnance!

Anna: I still think this is a little silly. (Loads ordnance)

Squishy: Jared, fire the cannon!

Jared: Aye-aye!

(Ferrets are fired at the ships which then go off in explosions of cuteness)

All: Yeah!

(Turn to walkways in the mid-city. More of the Jedi are running from a group of black-clad soldiers)

Joseph: *Pant Pant* These guys are persistent.

(There are some explosions. An oddly-shaped ship flies over them)

Sara: It's one of their dropships!

Joseph: Copeland, take care of it!

Copeland: Gotcha!

(He raises a rocket launcher and takes out the ship so it crashes behind them and destroys the walkway. Some of the chasers leap over the hole and resume chase)

Copeland: That was our last rocket.

Joseph: Guess we make our stand here!

(They stop and fight the soldiers who show amazing speed, yet soon succumb to the lightsabers. The group moves on)

Joseph: Squishy, we need pickup. These guys are everywhere!

Squishy: Hold on. We're just taking out some more stragglers.

Joseph: Roger. (Turns off comm) Let's find some cover.

(They rush into a nearby lobby. Suddenly a wall inside explodes inwards and there are two black mini-walkers with guns ablazing. The Jedi duck behind a large concrete hedge)

Copeland: Blast! They found us too soon!

Joseph: Let's wait until they lessen the fire then rush them.

(Back to the walkers, where a robed figure lands atop one walker and kills the pilot. Then he cuts off the legs of the other one so that it falls and explodes. The other Jedi come out)

Sara: It's about time you showed up, Will.

Will: Yeah, sorry for the wait. I had a convoy to stop.

Joseph: Well better late than never. We've got pickup coming so lets move out.

(They run outside and notice the chaos as they move)

Copeland: More dropships are coming down and the sky hasn't cleared a bit. We need to leave now!

Joseph: Okay. (Into comm)Squishy, we have Will and need evac right away.

Squishy: Hold your horses a little longer! I'm taking some fire here!

Will: Fine, just stay alive until we get off the planet!

(As they run they notice a Republic ship being gunned by Frown ships, then it soon falls and crashes into a nearby building)

Will: Our guys are getting slaughtered! Where's Chris!?

Sara: When the attack started he said he was rallying reinforcements.

Copeland: Well he's doing a very crappy job of it: there's very few of us out there!

(As they near a larger walkway black hover cars with turrets arrive and park in front of the Jedi and Frowns take up positions around them)

Joseph: Ah nuts!

(As the Frowns take aim, the Sparrow suddenly plows through the group and stops where they were. A hatch opens and Anna steps out)

Anna: Get in!

Will: I've got to admit: Squishy can make an entrance.

(They get in and the Sparrow takes to the air. In the control room...)

Copeland: What's our status?

Jared: Reports keep coming in on Republic casualties; they're dropping like flies. Strangely enough, there seems to be a large movement of Frowns leaving the planet.

Squishy: And the last group of fighters we faced peeled off for some reason. And the sky seems to be clearing up.

(Turn to outside where the Frown fleet is leaving as a large black ball slowly descends from above)

Sara: Hey, what's that?

(All of the Jedi rush to the window and see the ball)

Anna: I don't know, but I think it's the reason they're bailing.

(The ball continues to descend and the sky is clear. The ball hovers over the city and then light starts shooting out of the middle and a voice is heard)

?: Live from Coruscant, put your hands together for our most esteemed, very hip and all-suavetastic leader!

(The ball's top half then rises up as steam and lights shoot out from it. The top half rises and reveals stage lights as a figure is revealed on the lower half. The figure strikes a pose, lights hit him and reveals him as..!)

All: CHRIS!?

Chris: That's right! I, your beloved general, am the suave mastermind of the ever brilliant Hellish Frowns! It was I who brought fear back into the galaxy the way they used to make it. Why, even this glorious betrayal impresses myself beyond comprehension, thus making me even MORE studly of an evil leader. Ha ha ha!

Copeland: (On speakers) I have no idea what you just said but I believe you owe us an explanation on what the heck is going on, along with a session to our recently-approved Whupping Sticks.

Chris: Those sticks were my mother's! Very well, if you won't listen to my fabulous announcement, then I will have to use another method of communication.

Will: Chris! What is it that you're doing!? Why are you-

Chris: A buh buh buh buh buh, no! You can say all that as you say hello my gigantic friend. (Snaps fingers)

(A falling noise is heard and suddenly a colossal metal dino-bot lands on top of some buildings and creates a huge shockwave that rocks the Sparrow)

Chris: Behold! The highly brilliant, highly original: Unoriginal Gear!

(Dino-bot lets out powerful roar)

Chris: Well have fun, and remember: (dons Vader mask) this is CNN.

(The ball closes up and zips off into space. The metal behemoth then takes out some surrounding buildings with its arms and tail as it heads straight for the Sparrow)

All: Eeeep.

Joseph: Uh, Squishy, I think you better-

Squishy: RIGHT-O!

(Squishy backs up the Sparrow and zooms for a nearby garage. Then the Jedi leave the garage and make a dramatic stand)

Copeland: All right! There is a huge piece of stolen ideas rampaging in the city that we must save (again!).

Squishy: I say we each take turns attacking it with dramatic entrances.

Will: I'm up for that.

Joseph: Then it's settled. Charge! (Lights lightsaber)

All: Yaaaaaaa! (Lights their lightsabers)

(They leap from the garage and take turns attacking the beast. Some dramatic entrances used include flying biplanes, swinging on ropes, and skydiving. Some end with silly results but all are ineffective. 3 hours later and after 1/4 of the planet is totally flat, the Jedi retreat to a tall building)

Will: It's no use. We've performed every single dramatic entrance from every media known to man.

Jared: And we haven't even put a dent in it. Face it: it's game over man! Game over!

Squishy: No it isn't! We've just been going about it the wrong way. We need to drastically change our approach.

Sara: (Gasp) You don't mean-

Squishy: Yes: we go Looney Tunes.

(Turn to Unoriginal Gear who is still destroying the city and eating hover cars. Turn to Joseph who is walking along in a blue messenger's uniform while holding a box)

Joseph: Oilgram! I've got an oilgram!

(He walks close to U.G., who stops rampaging to bend down to Joseph)

Joseph: A Mr. Unoriginal Gear, is it? Here's an oilgram for you.

(U.G. takes the tiny package and lifts it away. Then Joseph leaves while putting his fingers in his ears as the Looney Tunes theme plays until he's gone)

U.G.: Ooh, bop bee beep clag bop bing la toka berack (Ooh, I sure likes me some oil)

(He opens the tiny box, a small pie hits his chin, then he explodes in a catastrophic explosion that creates mass destruction visible from space. As the screen fades out, the end of the Looney Tunes theme plays out. Turn to a briefing room where medic personnel are rushing about and the Jedi are standing around thinking)

Jared: What just happened?

Squishy: I say Chris had just betrayed us and almost had us killed.

Joseph: How could this have happened? Why haven't we sensed this would happen?

Anna: His mind was always too whacked-out to read, though I couldn't imagine him doing something like this.

Will: To think: we had him on our side for one episode and this happens. That's not right.

(A tech walks over to them)

Copeland: What did you find?

Tech: Well, despite having a 3 hour head-start, the Frowns managed to leave a pretty good space trail for us to follow.

Joseph: Right then, let's go. (Readies to leave)

Sara: (Groan) Can't we rest a little while longer.

Joseph: We can rest while on the Sparrow, because there's payback to deliver.

(Turn to an orbit outside a crater/desert-like planet with several Republic ships and the Sparrow some distance away)

Will: Locke? Is that the planet's name?

Tech: Well, our databanks aren't very good at remembering the names of planets barely anyone knows.

Anna: Uh huh, and where's the fleet?

Tech: Well, there are traces of a fleet having been here, but all that's left is this stronghold on the planet.

(Brings up display)

Tech: Now it's basically an enlarged warehouse-like facility with many halls, stairs, large rooms and all sorts of things that make noise from the slightest step.

Copeland: And exactly why does any of that matter?

Tech: Well it seems the facility is chock full of soldiers, and our scanners show a database inside that may well point us in the direction of the fleet.

Sara: So what are we waiting for? Let's go down there and take that data.

Tech: Well the problem with that is this: (Brings up more data) The facility is surrounded with a type of sensor that also scans the the interior. If a person of unfit description enters that sensor field, the whole complex self-destructs instantly. The appropriate physical profiles that match the sensors are these.

(Takes out a digital reader and passes it around the Jedi)

Squishy: But there's no one with the proper physique to fit any of these, except...

(They all turn to Will. He nods solemnly)

Will: Okay. When do I start?

Tech: Right now.

(Then begins a segment entitled Metal Gear Stoked: The Twin Mooses. In it Will, dressed as Solid Snake and wearing a huge mullet, does MGS parodies while some credits play to MGS2 theme music. Some silliness include sneaking in lockers, cardboard boxes, bashing guards with their own exclamation marks, and when presented with 2 PS1 controller ports, he takes out the controller and strangles some guards with it. As the music nears its end, we see Will drop from a ventilation shaft, do a little dance and strike a pose when the song ends. He then turns on his Codec and we turn to Codec screen)

Will: This is Will. I'm near the database.

Joseph: Yes; we can see using the camera we stuck in your mullet. Now, rather than explain the different frequencies, I'll save that for if this segment becomes a series. Until then we'll use this frequency. (Hi Will!) (Shush!) Anyways, watch for any possible ambushes. If you need me just dial 8675.309. Good luck. (Turns off)

(Show Will slowly walking toward some stairs. Suddenly he looks up and notices someone falling from above yelling. Then the person lands on a pipe between his legs)

?: Ooooh... Mein baby maker...

(The person slides off and falls flat onto a catwalk. Then he gets up to reveal himself as Chris dressed as Revolver Ocelot and twirling an oddly shaped gun)

Will: (Putting hand to face) Ah jeez...

Chris: Yes! It is I: Mauser Moose! Terror of this factory and all-around slick shooter.

Will: What moose?

Chris: Mauser. You know: the gun in MGS3. Eva's weapon? Hold it on its side? Remember? (Will still looks confused) Okay fine. The point is I'm not letting you leave this place alive because I'll finish you with the Moose Method.

Will: Don't you mean the Ocelot method? Come on, dressed like that we all know you'll just repeat the battle from MGS1, but with a slightly different and non-advantageous gun.

Chris: That's true, but to even out the odds and for the sake of this segment's title, I have made me a clone I call Musket Moose. (Pan to another Chris in same clothing but with musket)

Musket: S'up.

Will: Ah you've got to be kidding me.

Chris: I'm afraid not. Now prepare to die the deaths for which no reasonable MGS1 player has died before: in a Moose (Will: Ocelot!) Battle! Ki-aaaaaaah!

Squishy: (On Codec) Alright, it's just a typical remake battle but you got one other person to look out for. If you need help just dial- (Chris shoots out Codec)

Chris: No chance, Lance! Ha ha!

(Now turn to overhead Ocelot-style battle with musket in the middle trying to get Will. As the fight goes on Mauser says different things to disorient Will)

Chris: "I enjoy the smell of a ruptured hemorrhoid. It makes me feel... Wait-" "The difference between a Mauser and a musket is that one makes for an awkward vibrator." "(Will: WTF?)?Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there, scrub scrub without pause. It's fine to wash another man in the wonderful land of Oz!"

(Eventually Mauser's health reaches zero and we see the two standing off)

Chris: You may have beaten me, but you haven't beaten Musket. Musket! Kill now!

(As Musket aims the world freezes and a slash appears across Musket's neck. Then his head comes off and the body falls over as we take notice of a small ball with arms, legs, a mask and holding a sword)

Will: Who the-?

Squishy: (Back-up Codec) Meta Knight!?

(While looking shocked and confused, Mauser raises up a Pokédex slowly and looks at the screen without changing his face)

Pokédex: Meta Knight: well-respected hero/villain from the Kirby universe. Is a skilled swordsman who can grow bat wings for added lift and quick escapes. Caution is advised.

Chris: Gah! How'd this thing get in my hand!? (Tosses away Pokédex)

Meta Knight: (Looks around) Oops... Wrong cameo.

(Grows wings and flies away. The other two go back to standing off)

Chris: You only won this round by freakish luck. But the next time won't be so lucky. Oh no, I've got something real special in store for you Jedi and this galaxy. (Pulls out small pellet and raises it in air) Soon everyone will face true terror. (Throws down pellet)

(A cloud of mist surrounds and covers Chris)

Chris: Wahh! My eyes! (Cough) (Cough) Gah, tear gas! I mixed up the capsules! (Violent cough, V.C.) D**n it! Ah! The searing pain! I can't breathe! (More coughing) Where're the escape stairs! Oh god the pure agony of it (Cough) all! Woahhhh! (Sound of him tumbling down stairs and crashing) D**n it! I'll get you Jedi! I'll get all of you b***ards! Ewww, my nose! The boogers! (Groan) Mommy, where are you Mommy? I need Lambchop! I want my blankie! (Coughs then sound of metal door opening and closing. The mist clears and there is no sign of Chris)

Joseph: Don't bother following him. Just get the data already!

Will: Gladly. But can I save first?

Joseph: No. Now go!

(Will proceeds to go up the stairs and into a room. Inside there is a huge console that he goes to, punches in some numbers and pulls out a disk. He sits down and contacts the team)

Will: I have the information. Mission accomplished.

Joseph: Excellent. Now get out of there so we can pick you up.

Will: Hold on. I need a rest. (Starts pulling off mullet)

Squishy: No Will, stop! Don't do it! You'll set off the-

(Shot of whole complex explodes. Back to Sparrow)

Sara: WIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL! (Again)

(For a while they stand in stunned silence. Then...)

Jared: Hey, look!

(They look outside to see a little speck flying from the planet. It turns toward the Sparrow and starts glowing. Eventually Will smacks against the viewport and is stuck with his face all flat and silly looking)

Anna: Well, that's one way to make an exit.

Joseph: Get that fool in here so we can get on with things.

(Later on the Sparrow)

Sara: How could you do that to me, Will!? After what I put myself through after the first trilogy I didn't want it to happen again.

Will: Hey, I didn't know the mullet was needed for the profile!

Copeland: Well it was. Now hush, the both of you. The disc has been deciphered.

(They go to the briefing table)

Sara: Hey, where's that tech guy?

Joseph: Because he started 98% of his sentences with "Well," it proved to be very annoying so we sent him to a Speech Correctional Facility.

Sara: Ohhh.

Anna: Anyways, me and Jared did the deciphering. What we found was not the location of the Frown fleet, but something much more disturbing.

Will: A Richard Simmons video where he dances to "Numa Numa" in a bikini?

Jared: No, but sort of close. (Brings up display) On another poorly named planet which we dubbed Desertopia, Chris is personally building a special project entitled "Operation Big Fire".

Anna: It mainly involves finding a big enough hole to put in something called "Platform Gear". (Brings up pictures) Rather then use it for typical combat, Chris has put it under a "Special" category for which we don't know what it means. But knowing Chris, it will be weird and devastating.

Jared: Something I want to point out is that despite the time it took decipher this disc, it wasn't very well encrypted for information that's supposedly top-secret. It's as if Chris wanted us to get this info.

Copeland: Meaning it's a trap.

Joseph: Meaning that us, and only us, will go there to stop this project. Maybe we'll get to the bottom of whatever happened to Chris.

Jared: There may be no guarantee of that, but more importantly, we must stop Chris.

Will: I suggest we rest before heading out.

Joseph: Good idea. We rest for 7 hours, then it's off to face our destinies. (Again)

(They turn in for the night. The next day we see a barren planet with no vegetation anywhere and on the surface we see a very large crater. On a nearby ridge the Jedi observe it)

Copeland: Doesn't look good. The area around the perimeter is covered with sensors. But the binoculars point out one entrance at the base of the crater.

Joseph: Meaning there's some stairs around here. And what do you know?

(Turn to stair entrance right next to them. They go down the 20° stair slope for some time. Eventually they reach a short hall with an ancient door at the end)

?: WHO are you? (Jedi look around) DOWN here, morons. (They notice a small eye next to the door) WHAT business have you to defy such a sacred place?

Joseph: We need to go beyond this door.

Eye: NEVER! YOU shan't enter the sacred resting place of the spawn of the great Lavos. WHEN it first arrived, the people instantly knew they had to serve it, so they set up this great Absorption Hole for it and gave their lives to feed it. ALAS, the planet contained little life to absorb and the little one starved to death. YET another grand event will occur in the Hole, and I have been given strict orders not to let YOU in here.

Copeland: Is there anyway to persuade you to do so?

Eye: THERE is but one way: a number-guessing game used to determine the level of faith in the spawn's presence.

Sara: Alright, we're not afraid. What's the question?

Eye: OKAY: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 2000. WHAT is it? REMEMBER, if you guess wrong, I kill you.

Anna: Huhh!? How are we to-

Squishy: Let me handle this.

Will: Are you sure? I mean, those are some big odds.

Squishy: We just got past a little foreshadowing. I think I know where this is going. (He starts thinking, then to eye) Is it 1995?

Eye: HA! THAT'S in-. WAIT... NOOO! THAT'S correct! FORGIVE me masters, I have failed you!

(Eye explodes and door opens)

Copeland: Wow. How did you figure that?

Squishy: It was the year Chrono Trigger came out.

Jared: What does that have to do with any-

Squishy: You'll soon see. I know it.

(They go through door. They find themselves at the bottom of the crater near a very large structure that sorta looks like some warped, mega-sized step ladder)

Sara: What's that?

(They turn to look at a lone yellow bird pecking the ground nearby)

Joseph: Awww. It's a baby Chocobo. So cute!

(Then the baby notices them and gives out a call. Suddenly dozens of Chocobo adults fly into view and group together wearing headstraps and making some noises to Matrix music)

Copeland: Oh, sh-

Squishy: Kung-Fu Chocobo!

(The Chocobo fly at the Jedi and suddenly it's a Burly Brawl parody. Feathers fly as the Jedi constantly punch, block and kick never-ending streams of Chocobos. Then more start falling from the sky and coming from cave walls)

Jared: There's so many of them! Somehow they jammed my lightsaber with feathers!

Squishy: I sense great sardonic pleasure and giddiness! Chris is up there watching!

Joseph: Will, you faced him before! Go get him! We'll hold these guys off!

Will: I can't! I have to protect-

Sara: Will just go! Do it for me, us, and the galaxy!

Will: (After a moment) Alright! I'm going!

(Will leaps up to the lowest strut and starts climbing. While showing his climb we also see shots of the continuing battle. Some moments show the guys getting pecked and having egg in their face while screaming battle. One shot shows a pizza guy in the chaos)

Guy: Yeah I have some pizzas for a Chocobo, party of-(Many Chocobo jump on him and maul him until there's noting left but bones and empty pizza boxes. Another shot shows Jane Goodall outside the battle)

Jane: Every day, hundreds of Chocobos such as these are used in violent parodies such as this one. I'm Jane Goodall, and I'm asking for help to save these majestic birds. With every little donation you give, up to 50 of these Chocobo will find sanctuary where they can live without facing such ridiculous violence and cruelty. (An egg hits the side of her head) That's it! (She pulls out a shotgun and goes about blasting Chocobo) You picked the wrong naturalist to f**k with, you overgrown chicken pieces of ****! (Continues blasting) Yeah! How do you like that, ******'s! Say hello to my little friend b***hes! Yeah!

(Turn to Will where he finally reaches the highest platform. He gets up to see Chris standing across from him smiling.

Chris: How do you like my yellow friends, Mr. Handerson? (Will pulls out lightsaber but Chris Force shoves it and sends it falling. They then start circling each other bending their thumbs) How does it feel to fight knowing your friends are in danger? What you say, Mr. Handerson?

Will: Can't say I'm not surprised to see you with Force powers for whatever reason. But I will say that you're a slimeball and it was a mistake to trust you!

(They leap at each other and grapple hands to thumb wrestle. Then they leap back and resume circling)

Chris: Mistake, huh? I don't recall you guys thinking that in the last episode.

Will: That's only because the fans wanted you there.

Chris: Liar!

(They thumb wrestle again then circle again)

Chris: Face it! You needed me because of my skill, because I'm a figurehead for troop morale.

Will: We used you because you were unstable. That scares the crap out of the enemy.

Chris: Is that the best you can say?

(They grapple again and resume pacing positions)

Chris: Fine! If I'm so unskilled, let's prove it in a final deadlocked battle right here, right now!

Will: Alright! Don't think I'll go easy on you because you were my friend once.

Chris: Pah! Like you ever try not going easy on anything. Bring it!

(They grapple again and this time it gets serious. They thumb wrestle very seriously with every move causing them to sweat profusely. Eventually the thumbs start doing weird fighting moves, such as when Chris' thumb does multiple punchings and makes a serious combo. Later the thumbs break out mini-lightsabers and start parrying each other. Towards the end Will's thumb gains the advantage by knocking out Chris' thumb's lightsaber and dazing the thumb with it's own impressive combo. Then it stretches as if leaping up and charges energy in its tip, then fires a kame-hame-ha blast at Chris' thumb which can be seen shooting off the planet. When the blast disappears, Chris' thumb is gone and there's only a bloody stump)

Chris: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! My thumb! You blew off my freakin' thumb! (Breaks off and falls to ground crying while clutching his bleeding stump) What am I doing!? Why am I doing this!?

Will: Chris, come back. Stop this nonsense. You know it is, don't you?

Chris: (After a while) No! I will never stop my glory. Fine! I'll tell you my plan, though I was saving it for when You would be begging for mercy. This Platform Gear of mine? It's a summoning platform, one that will summon a great power with which I will use to rule the galaxy. In fact, I'm gonna do it right now!

(Pulls out a remote and pushes a button. The huge tower starts to rumble, then the back supports rise up and reveal themselves as arms. One of them is holding a microphone and raises to its mid-section. Suddenly "Gato's Theme" from Chrono Trigger plays while the platform hops about as it dancing. When the song is over and the platform goes back to rest, an eerie theme is played)

Chris: Witness the dawning of a new age of horror!

(Turn to sky where dark clouds are forming and reddening in the center. Now turn to the battle on the ground, where things are wearing thin. Jane Goodall is still blasting)

Jane: You want some more? You get some more you freaks! No one messes up the face that is mine! NO ONE! (Pulls trigger and there's only a click) Oh fudge... (Chocobo charge and maul her)

Squishy: (Slashing a Chocobo) Oh my god! They killed Jane Goodall!

Anna: You bas-

(Suddenly a meteor shoots from the clouds and hits the platform and crater with enough force to instantly demolish the Platform, create a huge dust blast and make some powerful tremors. After a while we find some Jedi moving through the dust)

Jared: (Cough) Guys! Where are you?

Copeland: We're over here! Where's Sara?

Sara: Will! Wiilllll! Are you there?

Will: Ugh... I'm right here.

Joseph: Will, what the freak just happened?

Will: I don't know! It had something to do with summoning.

Squishy: Oh no. It's just as I thought.

Jared: What? What did you think?

(As the dust cleared some more, Chris' figure is revealed)

Chris: What just happened was the arrival of the most powerful being in the universe.

(Some growling is heard as just only the crash site is covered with much dust)

Chris: Behold: the all-mighty, all-powerful and truly invincible Lavos!

(As the dust clears we see a huge hideous hedgehog-like creature with green spikes all over it, insect-like feet and a head/mouth that has three parts and opens up to reveal a small eye and hideous roar. Then the camera zooms out to show the creature is really the size of a rabbit, who lets out a tiny roar)

Will: What the..?

Chris: Nooo! It can't be! How could he be so small!? I did everything right, so what did I do so wrong!? (Whines some more)

Sara: He doesn't seem so powerful.

Joseph: Right, it's time we end this silliness. You, Anonymous Stand-In with a Sword, go kill that thing.

Stand-In: Right-o! One dead extraterrestrial coming right up.

(He walks over and when he gets close Lavos rears up and leaps at the guy's face. Then the camera switches to the Jedi who stare in horror as blood splurts from offscreen)

Stand-In: AAAhhhhhhh! He's peeling off my skin! He's breaking open my chest, too! Yahhhhhh! He's rubbing my liver and gnawing on my ganglion! Oh the sheer horrific agony and torture! Someone kill me, he's sucking my bone marrow and forcing me to eat my veins! I can't taste a thing because he's pulling my tongue and ramming it into my lungs! Yet I still speak and every word hurts worse! Someone help meeeeeee!

(Some more horrific screams and sounds. Then we turn to the action where there's an explosion of gore with Lavos at the center)

Joseph: HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF GOOGLY MOOGLY OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!

Anna: MY GOD WHAT THE FREAK WAS THAT!?

Sara: My eyes! My eyes oh that was nasty! Will hold me it's horrible! (Some Jedi faint)

Chris: Ya ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That, my friends, was the sheer brutality and power of the great Lavos, with which I shall harness.

Copeland: Chris you're one sick puppy and you deserve to die for that!

Chris: Why? I wasn't the one who sent that guy to his doom.

Squishy: (Getting up) I should've known. It was obviously a Monty Python parody right there, yet we didn't bother to stop it. Maybe because we didn't think it'd be that nasty. (Vomits offscreen)

Chris: Exactly. And look! He grows with every kill.

(We see Lavos grow to the size of a beachball)

Jared: No. Oh no. We can't let that thing live. We just can't.

Joseph: New mission guys: kill Lavos while he's small!

Squishy: For the Stand-In!

Copeland: Charge!

(They rush to Lavos who leaps around all martial arts like. He sets about to skillfully dodge and knockout Jared and Copeland, then it lands on Anna's head)

Anna: Eeeeeek! It's in my hair! Get it off, get it off!

Joseph: I'm coming! (Rushes to her wielding a large mullet and accidentally misses and knocks out Anna, then Lavos knocks him out. Now there's just Will, Sara and Squishy left)

Sara: Now what do we do?

Squishy: Hmm... Oh yeah! RETREAT!

(They rush for the crater wall and start scurrying up the ledges)

Chris: That's right weakling! Run! (They reach halfway up) Go get them, Lavos!

(Lavos roars and jumps close to the three)

Squishy: (Girlish scream)

(Sara pulls a heel from her robe and throws it at Lavos, causing him to fall back down)

Will: That's the first time I'm grateful you have a shoe rack in your robes.

(They continue to climb. Soon they get back on the surface. Suddenly Lavos launches up and roars as the sun gleams off his shell)

Squishy: That doesn't look good.

Will: Sara, go get the Sparrow and pick up the others.

Sara: But Will I-

Will: (Grabs Sara) You have to do it! We'll distract the thing. Just go and help the others!

(After some some deep looks into each other's eyes, Sara nods and rushes off)

Will: Hey ugly! Show me what you got! (Lavos turns and zips toward Will) Ah jeez... (Runs away)

(The two dash across the desertscape as Lavos descends. He eventually rolls up and along the ground and bowls the two over. Then Lavos flies back up and falls toward Will. Will sees him, grabs a nearby rock and uses it to stuff Lavos' mouth and keep him from attacking. At the crater's edge, Chris jumps up and holds his ground)

Chris: There's no use resisting. Give in to the inevitable.

(Will's rock starts to crack when Squishy runs over with his lightsaber and swings at the beast. Lavos flies off then flies into Squishy's face where his face and Lavos disappear)

Squishy: Hey, what're you doing in here? You don't go there! Hey watch it! (As he's talking his robes start puffing in and out as if a struggle is going on inside) Ahh! Get away from me! Yikes! Ha! Now I've got you! Yeah, you're in my world now! Bring it you pansy! Is that the best you can do? Not so easy fighting in Jawa robes now is it?

(Some more struggling and noises and then Lavos is fired out straight to the sky and Squishy's face appears)

Squishy: (Shaking fist) And stay out!

(Lavos continues soaring until the Sparrow flies by and smacks him back to the ground)

Sara: Take that!

(Lavos falls toward Chris and crashes into him and the ground at high force. The Sparrow starts descending into the crater)

Will: That ought to show 'em.

Squishy: No. Lavos doesn't go down that easily. The fight isn't over yet. Quickly, charge your energy into speed, flight and melee power while Lavos is still down.

Will: Why-

Squishy: Just do it!

(Will holds a stance and charges his energy. He starts groaning and his eyes go white as he's concentrating. Suddenly his hair becomes spikey, white and glowing)

Will: Ah! My hair! It's been bleached!

Squishy: No that's just the DBZ reference. Now look: the beast rises.

(Turn to new crater where Lavos rises glowing with energy and with his mouth open revealing a pissed-off-looking eye)

Will: Let's do this.

(Lavos flies at them and they engage in DBZ-style combat. This involves flying at fast speeds, crashing through many rock structures and exchanging very fast blows and much teleporting. Both sides fight intensely with both sides receiving and giving equally cool blows. While they fight the Sparrow rises from the big crater with Sara looking on in awe. At some point Squishy signals for a mega attack, which tells Will to go at Lavos with more force. He eventually breaks through Lavos' defense and beats him up some more, then punches him over the surface, then teleports and kicks Lavos straight up at Squishy. Squishy then charges his attack)

Squishy: Ullltimate Fiiiiish Smasshhhh!

(A huge tuna appears in his hands and glows with energy. Then with a yell he swings the fish and smacks Lavos back to earth. Turn to Chris who's crawling out of the small crater and looks up, only to see Lavos crash into him again with even greater force. Turn to the Sparrow hovering over the two Jedi)

Sara: Get in so we can get the heck out of here.

(They float into the ship which then takes off for space. The other Jedi start to wake up)

Anna: Ooooh... Nice shot, Joseph!

Joseph: Well that thing was faster than I thought.

Copeland: Ugh, what happened?

Squishy: You were schooled by the great Lavos. Me, Will and Sara were only just able to put him down.

Jared: Well let's celebrate then.

Squishy: We can't. Lavos isn't dead yet. Let me explain exactly what happened, and what Lavos is exactly.

(After a winding explanation)

Anna: Ha! You had spiky hair!

Will: Shut up!

Joseph: Quiet! I still can't believe what happened in your robes Squishy.

Squishy: Yes, yes. Anyways, we should hope Chris was taken out, because Lavos is still a threat.

Sara: But there's no life on that planet, so he'll die out soon.

Squishy: There's a difference. His spawn absorbs life, while he can absorb life and the planet's core. Even that's enough to make him more invincible.

Sara: Oh...

Jared: So how do we attack then?

Squishy: Well, not to brag, but the training I got back in the last trilogy made it so I can handle video game-based threats like Lavos. And Will was able to do it because of spur-of-the-moment DBZ zaniness. I don't think it'll happen so easily the second time around.

Will: (Shrugs) Probably for the best.

Squishy: No offense, but you guys can't handle him at this time, and I might wind up dead if I just face him alone.

Joseph: So what do you suggest?

Squishy: I suggest we do what I did: take a 3-month training course to further improve our skills.

Will: 3 months!? In that time Lavos will easily take over the galaxy!

Squishy: But we can't do anything without that training. Before leaving, we should warn the Coruscant Councils to stay away from this area and only attack with long-range weapons when he's pretty close to the planet. Hopefully it'll hold him off until we get back. (Going to back quarters) I'll try contacting Lord Vidiot's spirit to make arrangements. You get on the horn with Coruscant for what's to come.

Joseph: Well, kinda dicey there. But sure, if there's no other choice. Let's make the call, guys.

(Some time later...)

Sara: Okay, Coruscant has been briefed and the Republic knows what to expect.

Jared: Good, but what of the Sparrow? Shouldn't we park it somewhere first?

Squishy: Time's of the essence, but when the training's done we'll be brought back to it. So, everyone ready?

(People look around)

Joseph: Yes, we're ready.

Copeland: Let's get it started already.

Anna: It's off to see a legend.

Squishy: Alright, now prepare yourselves for training unlike any you've ever had or heard of. (Makes some motions and creates a round warp gate) Oh, and guys: wear crotch protection. (They walk into the gate, which disappears and leaves the Sparrow drifting in space. Meanwhile, turn to Desertopia and at the small crater, where a hand pops out. Then Chris pulls himself out of the rubble and looks at the sky)

Chris: Fine. Go ahead and train. By the time you get back it will all be too late. Face it: your time is just about done.

(He then starts a laugh which slowly grows and becomes more loud and sardonic. While laughing the eerie theme song which is Lavos' is played and we see Lavos growing steadily behind Chris. Turn to space where we see the Planet, then the screen starts graying over as Lavos' screech and Chris' laughing are both heard. Then the screen blacks out with the future uncertain. As the credits roll sad music from Chrono Trigger is played 'til the end)

**To Be Continued...**


	2. Episode 2

**Star Warz**

**Episode △:**

**The Fall of Lavos**

_You didn't see that ending coming, did ya? Well that just goes to show that this series can't always be handled easily. In fact, more unexpected things are to come. But for now:_

_In the 3 months Lavos had been left to grow and gain strength, 4 other planets have been captured by his influence. However, he has made no move to capture anymore planets, and the galaxy is left with uncertain peace. As for the captured planets, gray clouds always cover them as if to show the great repression that happens on the surface._

_Also in those 3 months, the summoner and tamer of Lavos, the former General of the Republic and now big meany of the galaxy Chris, has also used his unusual powers to summon another gaming villain: Kefka, wacko baddie of Final Fantasy VI._

_For now he has been patrolling the 4 planets in order to prevent any uprisings. As for the people of those planets, with no Jedi to protect them, they had to fend for themselves in the form of small resistance groups. The flight of one particular member is where our story resumes..._

[Thanks for inspiration to have unnecessarily-long storytelling goes to: Hideo Kojima]

(Turn to the skyline and rooftops in a city under an overcast sky. We see someone running hurriedly through the streets and alleys, being pursued by a constantly-warping pixelated Kefka with a handgun. The 16bit fiend appears in some weird places such as a woman's blouse and on a runaway ambulance stretcher in pursuit of the guy. Eventually the guy gets inside an apartment building and runs for a room with a ringing phone. When he gets there he opens the door only to find a cloaked figure, who shoots the guy in the head. Stunned, the guy reaches up to his forehead and looks at the stuff on his fingers)

Guy: Paint... My second weakness. (Faints and falls backwards. Kefka runs up to him)

?: Darn it, Kefka! You nearly let him escape. Can't believe I had to do your job, _yet again._

Kefka: Sorry, Chris. I just need to work on my warping abilities a bit.

Chris: Well do it later! For now, make yourself useful and pull this guy to the ship. There's some information we need to pry out of him. (Walks away)

Kefka: Ooh. This is gonna be good. (Does trademark laugh, then drags guy away)

(Scene transit to a white-covered planet and moon with a space station nearby. On the landing deck a warp gate opens and the Jedi walk out)

Sara: That was quite the lengthy, intensive training montage.

Joseph: Ugh, my groin.

Squishy: I told you to wear crotch protection.

Will: So this is where the Sparrow is?

Squishy: Yep. Impounded on the Oovo IV station, now under the control of the Frowns.

(They all look at an imposing security gate)

Jared: Well this is going to be interesting.

Squishy: Alright, let's put those 3 months of training to work. (Lights lightsaber)

Anna: I'm game. (Everybody lights their sabers)

Copeland: On my mark... Charge! (They all rush at the gate screaming and waving their sabers)

(Turn to Desertopia orbit, where the planet is totally gray and the gargantuan shell of Lavos pokes from the planet like a boil. Turn to inside of a damp, dark warehouse lit by a bright lightbulb. The guy from the first scene is hanging by his wrists and wakes up to find Chris and Kefka standing nearby)

Chris: Well, Agent Guy. So nice of you to be awake.

Guy: Chris! Where am I you scoundrel!

Kefka: Watch what you say to the great Chris, bub!

Chris: Silence! Now, Guy, we know you have some information of ours and we would like it back.

Guy: Information? I don't know what you're talking about.

Chris: Oh please! We didn't spend millions on action stunts just so we'd get nothing.

Kefka: Yeah! You have info, so give it up or else!

Guy: I seriously don't know what you're talking about.

Chris: Listen, Guy, either give us the information or we do horrible things to you.

Guy: (Hesitates) Alright, I have the information, but you'll never know where it is!

Chris: Fine. I wanted this to go cleanly, but you left me with no choice.

Guy: Do your worst you b***ards!

Chris: Okay, then I'll tell you. You remember how you said paint was your second weakness? Well I know your true weakness. (Force lifts a nearby small stone and Guy stands looking nervous) You are weak to crotch shots! (Tosses it at Guy's crotch, making him wail in pain)

Chris: Now tell me where the information is!

Guy: Never! (Gets hit with baseball)

Chris: Speak!

Guy: Go to h**l you freaks! (Hit with paint can)

Kefka: Answer him you idiot!

Guy: Hey, is your Mom still recovering from me giving her a good time? (Hit with cat)

Chris: Start cooperating, Mr. Guy!

Guy: Screw you! (Hit with potted plant and frying pan) Go on! I can go on all night! (Hit with cricket ball and cricket bat and football) Keep going. My family jewels are plenty numb by now.

Chris: Don't be so sure. I'm Force-healing them so that you feel every hit. Now talk!

Guy: I already said no! (Hit with hose head, wrench, plank, golf shoe and Mini-Me)

Chris: You will talk eventually, now give! I'm not going anywhere until you do!

Guy: Well I hope you have a strong bladder because I'm not saying a f***ing word (Hit with pear, tennis racket, hard helmet and Kefka)

Kefka: Hey!

Chris: Talk!

(Guy spits at him, and a whole stream of objects continuously hit his crotch)

Guy: (After stream) *Pant Pant* Is that all you got?

Chris: Hmm... I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe some psychological torture is needed.

(Guy's right hand breaks free and becomes a fist to his shock)

Chris: Now the very hand that pleasures you will harm you! Last chance.

Guy: (Looking shocked between fist and Chris) Do it, you pee-pee head. (Then his fist repeatedly punches his crotch as he yells in pain. Soon it stops and he is crying and panting)

Chris: You're a persistent one, Mr. Guy. Time to do something drastic. Kefka, ready the censor screen.

(Guy's hand slowly goes to his waist as he shakes and looks on in horror. Then the screen becomes a puppy-laden "Censor" sign while horrific screams and squishy snapping noises can be heard. When the screen is gone we see Guy knocked out with censor bars over his crotch and outstretched hand)

Chris: Grrrrr! I will get that info out of you! Guards! Take this insect to the holding room! (Black clad guards come in and take Guy away) And prep him for a makeover.

Kefka: Yeah, a permanent makeover! (Starts his trademark laugh which goes on a while)

Chris: Okay you can stop now. (Kefka keeps laughing) It's not that funny. (Still laughs) Kefka, stop! (Still laughs) THAT'S IT! (Laughter ends) From now on you will have a random laugh track so you won't be so annoying!

Kefka: (Baboon laugh) Ah man!

(Turn to deep space where we see the Sparrow speeding through with some scorch marks)

Copeland: That was one exhilarating attack and escape.

Jared: Yeah! Whoever missed that must feel pretty dumb for reading this chapter. (They turn to the screen then back)

Joseph: So what's next on the agenda?

Squishy: Liberation of the four planets.

Anna: Or at least get the support of the resistance groups on them.

Copeland: That seems more likely, since they've borne witness to the wrath of both Lavos and Chris.

Sara: Ohhhh, and I hoped we got Chris in the last episode.

Will: So what's our first planet?

Jared: Corellia.

Anna: Corellia? Ain't that a little close to Coruscant?

Joseph: Not close enough for the Republic to do anything. Now gear up: we got a resistance to sway.

(Show Sparrow heading for Corellia. On the planet, the Jedi are led by someone through the alleys of a major city)

Man: It is such a pleasure and relief you Jedi have come back, and I fully understand your leave of absence.

Copeland: Right. So what's the group?

Man: It doesn't really have a name, but it numbers over nine hundred. The majority of them have lost faith in you, though. Plus nearly all of them are nerd refugees from the Fanboy Republic.

(They arrive at a door)

Will: Nerds, huh? That ought to make things easy.

Man: Not with this lot. (Opens door)

(Turn to crowded auditorium with stage where most of the audience muscleheads who also show characteristics of nerds. Turn to backstage)

Squishy: Man... They sure beefed up. Ehh, who's gonna represent us?

Anna: Jo, you're the face of the group. Why don't you go?

Joseph: Me? Okay, but how are they gonna react?

Copeland: You really haven't done as much nerd-bashing in the past as some of us. I'd say that makes you more tolerable.

Joseph: Any idea what I should say?

Anna: Just something that goes straight to-and from-the heart.

Joseph: (Shaking a bit) Okay. Here goes nothing.

(Walks onto stage where the people quiet down with some pointing out his status which results in some people booing and throwing some things)

Joseph: Friends. Rebels. Lend me your ears. (This is met with people screaming as they tear their ears off and try to throw them at him) Eww. I didn't mean like that.

Guy1: He's trying to hurt us again!

Guy2: Why should we listen after what they've done to us!

Guy3: I say to rebel all over again and burn the city to satisfy the spirits of Battlestar Galactica!

Guy4: What!? I'm missing an ear; can you speak up again?

Joseph: Listen! (Everyone quiets) Look, yelling and acting stupid won't help anything. I know me and my colleagues had abandoned you or destroyed your "ideal" lives, but they were for the greater good. You see, we couldn't fight that freaked-up space bug properly unless we left for some needed training. As for the Fanboy Republic, you're just mooching off everybody else in the galaxy instead of doing something about it. You wanted a utopia for your culture, but wound up being oppressors, not unlike the threat currently facing the galaxy now. And then there's me and the rest of the Jedi, working our butts to better protect this galaxy while the rest of you just eat, sleep, and overall maintain some semblance of a normal life. I mean, come on! Want fan wouldn't want to jump on an opportunity like this: saving the freakin' galaxy? (The audience twiddles their thumbs and look ashamed)

Will: Uh, I think he's laying it on a bit thick, guys.

Anna: Nah, he's rolling.

Joseph: (Gives a huff) As long as you keep doing nothing, more bad things will happen, including the loss of everything you hold dear, if you haven't lost it already. Tell me: what have you all lost to to Chris and his space bug?

Guy1: I lost my freedom and rights.

Guy2: My wife and kids.

Guy3: The community I lived in.

Guy4: Gay marriage and the right to follow Islam.

Guy5: My limited edition Spock action figure in a speedo with fifty pre-recorded pick-up lines. (Everyone turns to look at the guy)

Joseph: Yeah... So, you see, all of you have lost something special (Including whatever that guy's obsessed with) so now you see why you need to trust us again. We have come back to stay and protect you. (Motions for other Jedi to come out) All we ask is for you to help us.

(All the people murmur and nod solemnly)

?: You have my allegiance! (A strapping man from the crowd steps up onto the stage)

Squishy: Hey, you were Mock Talker's officer. Only now you're more fit, and fixed that lip of yours, and lost the braces and don't seem crazy anymore.

Officer: Yeah, well, that Talker was incredibly abusive and I was on the edge. Now I'm the leader of this resistance group, and we're ready to lend you our arms.

Joseph: And what is your name, noble rebel leader?

Officer: (Kneels down before him) Ted, my liege.

Joseph: Very well. (Pulls out and lights his saber) I hereby dub you Ted: ally of the Jedi and the Republic (Lets saber drop, cutting off one of Ted's arms to the shock of everyone) Oops...

(Then everything becomes a Monty Python-style storybook)

Narrator: And thus began the Jedi's campaign to stop the terrible reign of Lavos. With the acquisition of Ted, Joseph and crew set out to recruit the other leaders: Bill the Brave; John the Wise; and Hugo, who almost won the Battle of Yavin 8, who nearly fought the Krayt Dragon of Tosche Station, and who personally soiled himself at the Battle for Rancor Pit. Then there's the aptly named "You're-in-the-wrong-place-again,-morons!", as translated from its native Rodian. It is with all these individuals and more, except the last one, that the seeds of Lavos' end was planted and ready to sprout. In fact, they were ready to sprout right about now...

(Turn to the Sparrow where the Jedi and rebel leaders are "planning" by sitting around and sleeping. Ted is sporting a snazzy new robotic arm)

John: Sooooooo, what do we do again?

Jared: I don't know! I thought we were napping.

Squishy: No, I think we were in the middle of deciding what take-out we're going with.

Copeland: We were supposed to figure out how to FIGHT LAVOS! How could we forget about that!?

Ted: Yeah! I didn't get my arm chopped off to sit around and do nothing!

Joseph: Hey that was an accident!

Anna: Oh like who ever uses a lightsaber at a knighting?

Joseph: It was the heat of the moment!

Hugo: What heat!?

Will: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! (Everyone hushes) I say we can agree that that previous segment had dulled us to the point of forgetfulness.

Sara: Yeah. He bored me senseless, that narrator.

Bill: Right, he's dead. (Pulls out pistol and points offscreen)

Narrator: No! Please- (Gets shot and silences)

Squishy: So then, ummm, how bout we refocus with numbers. How many people do we have?

John: Approximately 5,000 combined.

Copeland: Could make for a decent assault with the right equipment. How about weapons?

Jared: All our new weapons are air-to-ground, and despite some recent modifications, the Cutesy Cannon won't be any help.

Joseph: We wouldn't just want an all-out charge in that case. It took a while getting those numbers, so it'd be really stupid to waste them with the wrong equipment.

Anna: So we got nothing, is that it?

Sara: There's still the "Just us Jedi" approach.

Copeland: But that's suicide! If we want to do better than last time, we need something a little more than "just us".

Joseph: So what do you propose we do then, Alex?

Hugo: I say we just give up and go back home.

John: Hugo, just stop-

Hugo: NO! (Getting hysterical) Face it! We can't win! We're gonna die! I don't wanna die! Get me off this thing! Get me off!

John: (Rushing over and shakes Hugo) Get ahold of yourself man!

Bill: Let me handle this. (Shakes Hugo more violently) Get a grip man!

Ted: Allow me. (Shakes him and taps his cheek) You're gonna be alright Hugo! You're gonna be fine!

Anna: Move over! (Shakes him violently) Snap out of it you wimp! (Slaps him)

Squishy: You're going too rough. (Shakes him violently) Don't you dare turn crazy on us! (Slaps him)

Will: Let me have a shot, Squish. (Squishy slaps then leaves. Will punches Hugo) Wake up, darn it!

Joseph: Will, give it a rest. (Starts slapping Hugo with a mackerel) Give! In! To! Sense!

Jared: Uh, Jo. Can we talk to you for a sec?

Joseph: Sure thing. Can you guys handle this for me awhile?

(Turn to about 20 people standing around)

20 Guys: Okay! (They form a line and continue the "Airplane" reference with many other objects. At back of ship)

Copeland: This is getting us nowhere: an endless cycle of amusing domestic abuse. We need to get on track with this thing; time is of the essence here.

Sara: Then what do we do if a large assault isn't good enough?

Jared: I say we do something drastic. It'd worked before for "just us".

Ted: Like what?

Squishy: Hmmm... Ah! Here's the plan:

(Turn to Desertopia where an odd-shaped ship is speeding in from space. In its bridge)

Squishy: We take the Blackbird from Chrono Trigger, outfit it with resistance weapons, and crash into Lavos, Final Fantasy VIII-style.

Joseph: Okay, but ain't that a bit drastic?

Squishy: Nothing's too drastic for this mission!

Will: No, I'm pretty sure that's still being too-

Copeland: We're approaching Lavos, guys.

(We see the ship speeding up to the huge shell)

Squishy: Alright, let's do this. Fire the weapons now!

Jared: Firing! (The Blackbird shoots off missiles and lasers at Lavos which take of its shield)

Anna: Firing machine guns! (Machine guns fire at the shell, cracking it a bit)

Squishy: Now increase speed and brace for impact! This is gonna be close!

(They brace as the ship speeds toward Lavos. Then the ship is stopped instantly with its head through the shell which causes the Jedi to get tossed out of the bridge and fall into darkness screaming. Then the Blackbird explodes and creates a large hole. The Jedi continue to fall until they land on some soft material and go silent. Then they get up)

Joseph: Ooh, that stings. What did we land on?

(They look and see)

Will: Putty Cubes? That's weird.

(They get off the cubes and onto solid ground, then look around the huge emptiness and the hole above that shows sky)

Sara: I never guessed Lavos was so empty inside.

Squishy: I don't think this is Lavos. Maybe it's just a huge protection shell for him.

Copeland: Well let's get to finding him.

(They walk away and later find themselves in a wide hall. Suddenly.)

?: (Spongebob laugh)

(Jedi look around)

Anna: Spongebob?

?: No you idiots!

(The Jedi look at other end of hall. Kefka's theme starts playing and he walks in)

Squishy: Kefka! What're you doing here!?

Kefka: For the same reason as Master Chris: to ensure Lavos' safety and to kill you rebel scum.

(Scooby laugh)

Squishy: I don't know what happened to your laugh, but it sure sounds better than your original one.

Kefka: Bah! It was that punk Chris' fault! But once Lavos starts liking me, he'll have to kill that fool.

Sara: Like that will ever happen, pixelly whatever-you-are.

Kefka: Oh, I'll make you fools remember my name as you face my highly original life-or-death challenge!

Copeland: And what does that happen to be?

Kefka: Why, a challenge fitting to determine access to the great Lavos, which I call: Guitar Strum-Off!

Anna: Guitar what?

Kefka: The rules are simple: me and one of you will take turns playing an electric guitar. Whoever plays the best will determine your fate. If you manage to play better you get the guitar, an 8x10 glossy of me in a swimsuit, and I kill only 2 of you.

Joseph: What about access to-

Kefka: IF I win, then you get a ukelele, a photo of me doing your moms, and I kill all of you except one who I will paralyze completely. So which of you will face me?

Joseph: Gee, I don't know. Anna, did you play something like a guitar before?

Anna: Well, I'm more about the violin but I don't-

Kefka: Then it's settled! You face me.

Anna: Hey! I didn't-

Kefka: Prepare to be served!

(Silence falls around and Kefka pulls out a guitar, then he goes about doing a rocking solo to the amazement of the other Jedi. As he goes on, Kefka does things like putting the guitar behind his head or using his teeth as flares go off behind him. He finishes with a bang as an unseen crowd is heard screaming)

Kefka: (Handing guitar to Anna) Now's your turn. (Donkey laugh)

Anna: Uh-hum. (Starts playing hitting sour notes and overall playing an ear-splitting mess. Afterward)

Kefka: (Redneck chuckle)

Anna: Okay, time for the Futurama knock-off. (Goes about bashing Kefka on head with guitar)

Kefka: Ow!Ooh! Aah! You uninspired b***h. Ah-owwww! (Falls over)

Will: RUN AWAY! (They all sprint away from Kefka)

Kefka: (Getting up) Hey! Get back here! (Gives chase)

(The Jedi enter a garage-like room)

Jared: We're trapped! Trapped like rats!

Squishy: Wait! There's our ride. (Turn to lone sports motorcycle)

Sara: But there's only one bike.

Squishy: So? Start piling up.

Anna: What!?

Squishy: There's no time. Will, you're on the bottom.

(They pile up with Will as driver and Squishy on top of the stack. They then zoom off through an opened door. Then Kefka runs in, summons a jet car and gives chase. Back to the Jedi they find themselves speeding across a large and wide 2D landscape of city-ruins)

Copeland: Well this is new.

Squishy: Kefka's catching up fast!

(Kefka catches them and to Future Racing music from Chrono Trigger the two vehicles constantly change positions as they bump each other)

Kefka: (Elmer Fudd laugh)

(They continue the race until)

Joseph: Quit bumping us you retro freak!

Sara: What's that!?

(They notice tall hills before them)

Will: Oh nuts. Hang on!

(Then they go into a game of Excite Bikes with the two sides going up tall trapezoid-shaped hills while catching rad airtime. While Kefka does various laughs, the Jedi face difficulty in avoiding airborne obstacles and constantly reshuffling themselves with every landing. When they return to their original order they return to 3D)

Squishy: Kefka's behind us!

Anna: Look!

(Show some ramps that lead through the air and into a brick wall labeled "Brick Wall")

Jared: Oh fudge!

Squishy: (Noticing an overhead pipe) Hold on everyone!

(He reaches up, grabs the pipe, and causes the tower of Jedi and bike to spin around so Kefka ends up passing below. He then hits the ramps and flies toward the wall)

Kefka: Yaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

(He crashes through wall. Then the Jedi follow off the ramps, leap off the bike and skid along the ground behind the hole and stop. We see Kefka under the jet car, then with a mighty force he sends the car flying and stands up looking pissed)

Kefka: You freakin' Jedi! Why can't you play stupid for one little second! Oh how mad I am and how I want you dead! Very well! Now it's time I unleash the full extent of power! Prepare to be mesmerized, Jedi!

(He focuses his energy and then transform into a kawaii lolita version of himself before engaging in "Caramelldansen" while swaying and flapping his arms like a chicken. The Jedi cover their ears while screaming)

Will: I'm so sick of this song!

Anna: The rhythm! The rhythm!

Sara: I don't know but I think I want to jam!

All: DON'T!

Squishy: That does it! You can transform, eh? Well so can I! Time to end this!

(With the loli standing next to him, Squishy becomes a large Pedo Bear. The loli shrieks as the bear reaches up. Then a censor screen comes up as screaming and zipping noises are heard with a moan. When the screen gone we see Pedo Bear celebrating next to a half-eaten cheesecake)

Voice: Squishy Wins. Fatality.

(Squishy turns back to normal)

Will: You know that wasn't original.

Squishy: I know. I'll make it noted in the credits. Now for Lavos.

(They walk along while kicking aside the cheesecake. They continue until they reach a dead end)

Joseph: (Turns on saber) Time for slicey-slicey.

(He cuts a hole in the wall and they enter a dark room)

?: Who're you?

(The Jedi turn around to see a mannish woman in an ugly dress with ugly makeup)

Anna: Who the heck?

?: Are you guards?

Copeland: No, we're Jedi. Who are you?

?: Jedi? Oh thank goodness you came! The horrible things they did to me!

Joseph: Answer the question!

?: Okay. I was Agent Guy of the Corellia resistance. But now my name is Gal.

Will: How come?

Gal: Well, they, they... Made me neuter myself!

Copeland: My God!

Sara: Ew ew ew ew ew! That's nasty so nasty hold me Will!

Joseph: Why did they do that to you?

Gal: They were trying to get information out of me. They even went through the trouble to make me more like a woman.

Squishy: What was this information?

Gal: Information that could get people into the Inner Chambers, where Lavos resides.

Copeland: Did you tell them this information?

Gal: No, I refused and they kept thinking I had it hidden somewhere. But it was all in my head. Now with you here, we can go get that Lavos and that horrid Chris. But first, we have to get out of here.

Will: (Lights saber) That won't be a problem.

Gal: Great! I'll lead the way.

(They break through the cell door and follow Gal through winding passages. Eventually they reach a large room strewn with human bones)

Jared: What happened here?

Gal: Ah, these are the remains of the previous 50 agents who made it this far and tried to open that door.

(They reach a huge door with unknown writing in a circular pattern)

Gal: This, is the last obstacle to Lavos, responsible for the deaths of dozens of agents. Some blew themselves up trying to blow the door open; others performed human sacrifices on each other; but most starved to death trying to figure out the writing. It is so encrypted that only Chris and Kefka knew its meaning, which I have memorized at one of their storage facilities before they found me out.

Joseph: So what does it say?

Gal: Let me think. Okay, it says: "Push here to open door." (Pauses) Uhhh...

Copeland: That's it? You wasted 50 agents and none of them tried doing that!?

Gal: Look at all those scribbles! You'd think it'd indicate some lengthy instructions, right? I mean how can it be that simplistic, honestly!?

Joseph: Idiot! Anna, take care of him, uh, I mean her!

Anna: Right!

Gal: No, please, just wait a sec- (She gets fried by Anna's lightning and flashes into dust)

Anna: Hoo yeah! Always love doing that.

Copeland: Now let's end this once and for all already!

(They move to the door and push the circle. Then the door gives off a hiss and grudgingly rises, showing darkness. The Jedi walk in. For every step they take two flames pop up at the sides and form a path. Every five steps the Jedi listen to some voice)

?: "Hum de say we requiem; Hum de say we like short shorts und de salute; Spirits of hemorrhoids past bring forth strength unto thine great Lavos.

(At their 20th step flames pop up and spread away from the Jedi in a Y-formation. Then things light up to reveal a throne high up in the air with Chris in it)

Chris: Well well well, the great Jedi have finally come to face me. And I see you took care of that nuisance Guy, or should I say Gal.

Copeland: Alright Chris, this ends now! You better tell us why you're doing this and for what reason!

Chris: Oh, I don't think so. Especially when I have such an upper hand. (Waves hand. Room lights up enough to show that the throne is atop the fully-sized Lavos, who seems to be resting)

Chris: Yes. The great Lavos is under my control. Anyone who dare defies me shall face his wrath. There's no way you or anyone will be able to stop me.

Squishy: Whatever, Chris! Lavos was defeated before and can be stopped again. That's the rule of gaming.

Chris: Easy for you to say, being the strongest of your group. But I grow tired of this folly.

(Kefka appears)

Kefka: Huh? I'm alive? I'm alive! Oh, wow! It's a mira- (Joseph slashes through Kefka, killing him easily)

Chris: Ooh, you've got some skill, Joseph. How 'bout I ante up the difficulty so all of you will have a workout?

(Summons the X-Machine, which all but Squishy rush and slash apart)

Chris: (Straightening up) What the heck!? How-

Squishy: They all got training so that all of us are a match for you!

Chris: (Shaking fist) Confounding Jedi! Somehow you always find ways to defy and humiliate the way of darkness! You will crumble before me and the Dark Side! It's time I get serious and take you all out personally!

(Stands up)

Sara: Bring it on, Chris!

Will: Yeah, we're not afraid of you or that metal thumb of yours!

Joseph: Speaking of which, how is that going for you? Feels weird while you're alone, huh?

Chris: Grrrrr... You will pay for such defiance! Prepare to face: Rap Battle!

(Suddenly they go into a Parappa da Rappa moment with everyone looking 2-D in a 3-D world and Chris performing moves that're shown on the top of the screen and the Jedi having to follow them. After 3 rounds of intensifying rapping and silly lyrics, the Jedi strike a pose that causes Chris to fly straight up and then crash into his throne. Then Lavos starts moving and groaning)

Chris: Uh-oh. He's waking up.

Copeland: So?

Chris: He's pretty uncontrollable after a nap!

(Lavos shakes some more and then launches Chris away. Then he gives out his trademark screech)

Squishy: Okay this is it! Time to take on Lavos!

Sara: We're not afraid anymore!

Jared: Give us what you got!

Copeland: For the sanctity of the Star Wars universe and all gaming!

Squishy: Get ready for his copy abilities!

(In typical Lavos fashion, he mimics the attack patterns and stats of all the Jedi's previous foes, such as Mischievous and the X-Machine. After several have been dealt with, Lavos screeches for attack)

Squishy: Okay, this is the real deal! No more charades!

Joseph: Right!

(To Major Battle music from Chrono Trigger, the Jedi battle Lavos. Despite many quick and devastating attacks, the Jedi nimbly dodge and deflect Lavos' attacks and even perform some strikes on the shell. After much furious combat the Jedi perform furious techniques, then line up next to Lavos, raise their sabers, leap in an arc and slash through Lavos when it starts to screech. Afterwards, Lavos' mouth is wide open and the Jedi kneel as silence and stillness befalls the room. Lavos' head starts to slide off, then gets sucked into its shell as a powerful vortex takes the place of his head. The Jedi hold onto the ground as the pulling gets stronger)

Chris: (Looking from a distance) Well, seems you made a vortex out of his shell. Now if you excuse me, I have a fleet to catch. (Pulls out a grappling gun, shoots a hook zips away)

(Though the Jedi hang on with all their strength, they're eventually pulled into the hole. Then the shell gets sucked in and so does the room. From space we see the huge protection shell collapsing and then disappear. Next we see the Jedi in a white room filled with TV screens. A hand appears and turns on the TVs, which also activates hippie lights, disco music and a disco ball. Turn to Jedi)

Anna: What the heck?

?: Oh, sorry!

(Show a hand smacking the pen remote until white light comes back and only the TVs are on)

?: Ah, that's better.

(Show a man in a white suit, big forehead, short haircut and wearing glasses)

Copeland: Who are you?

?: I, am the Contractor.

Sara: Contractor?

Cont.: Yeah. Without me, Architects are useless. (Looking over them) You seem tense. Let's go somewhere a bit more soothing.

(Claps hands. Then everything becomes an endless starfield. Suddenly spotlights turn on and show the Contractor dressed as the Lord of Dance dancing on a dance pad to "Put Your Faith In Me" to the confusion of the onlooking Jedi)

Squishy: Alright what's going on here!?

Cont.: Whoops. Sorry again. (There's silence and he's back in his suit) I just get carried away to the dance.

Joseph: Who or what are you exactly?

Cont.: Why, I am your creator. You see, you and everyone around you are creations made from my interests and and are thereby references to those much-loved references. Also your very existence has been built around one major parody of Star Wars in the wake of Episode III. So basically, you were created for laughs.

Anna: So those major moments that involved dancing-

Cont.: Were the product of my love of dance and music games, such as the one you were just in moments ago.

Copeland: So in essence, our existence and beliefs were there just for others' humor, including our conflicts and anguish.

Cont.: Well, yes, that's that's the long and short of it.

Will: So tell us: what's our deal in all this?

Cont.: You are the stars of the whole story and are based off my friends in real life. Squishy is based on myself, but as a Jawa. Hence why you've been more of a main character lately.

Squishy: For real?

Cont.: Yes. But, there's a problem. Lately, something has been messing with my design so that things are becoming more serious, making everything more like proper literature than some parody. Luckily, I've been able to maintain the endearingly low quality of my craft.

Joseph: What's messing things up, exactly?

Cont.: Well... I'm not quite sure about that.

Jared: Wait. You're basically the God of all of us, of the whole galaxy and beyond, but you don't know what's wrong? Some creator you are.

Cont.: Silence! (16 ton weight crushes Jared to everyone's shock) He really wasn't much of a favorite of mine.

Anna: That still doesn't give you the right to have him squashed!

Cont.: Oh really? (Anna gets a huge afro) Ha! Now you're a cotton ball!

Will: Why you-

Cont.: Don't you dare! (Will holds back grudgingly) I was going to tell you what the problem was before you rudely disrupted me. I think it might be that Chris of yours.

Squishy: Who's he based off?

Cont.: Another friend of mine, though he is far less whacked than your Chris. Yes, there are still some secrets behind him.

Joseph: Like what?

Cont.: That's for you to find out. There's many twists still ahead, but I can tell you the results will be most exciting.

Sara: So that's what we do: find Chris and put a stop to him... like we've been doing up to now.

Cont.: Exactly. A sharp bunch, you creations of mine.

Joseph: Alright, well, nice to meet you Contractor, I guess. Thanks for underwhelming answer to the meaning of our existences. Maybe you could throw in a hint to our future as a going away present?

Cont.: Nope. Now, let me think of a good scenario to put you in. (Thinking, then snaps fingers) Ah! I have one. Well, so long and good luck. There may be the unlikely chance we'll see each other again, so bye!

(The screen changes to a big space battle going on between a large black ship and several smaller ships. The Sparrow zips past with four other ships in formation. On bridge)

Squishy: Okay, let's get through their lines quick and clean!

Anna: Gonna turn these Frowns upside-down!

Copeland: Geek Squadron, do you copy?

Ted: G-1 here.

Bill: G-2 here.

John: G-3 right here!

Hugo: G-4 doesn't want to be here!

Will: Good! Increase speed and take them by storm!

Joseph: Hold onto your butts! This is gonna get hectic!

(The ships go out then form up and blast toward the screen. The Star Wars-style credits come up, with promises for a very wild conclusion. Stay tuned!)

**To Be Concluded...**


	3. Episode 3

**Star Warz**

**Episode ∞:**

**Finale!**

_At long last: the real conclusion (We swear!) to this exciting and hilarious sixology that made you say, "What the f**k!?" The Jedi have just triumphed over the menacing Lavos and liberated the 4 planets that were kept under his repressive influence. Also having met the mysterious and enigmatic Contractor, they have gained insight in their own existences, as well as confidence for the eventual end to their fight for peace in the galaxy far, far away._

_However, the fight will not be easy. With the traitorous and unusually bad-a** Chris leading his vicious armada of doom, the Jedi will face great challenge and adventure in locating and hopefully defeating him. Yet, as the Contractor mentioned, there are some surprises in store, and boy-howdy are they big! So buckle up and hold onto your butts: it's showtime!_

(Turn to a starry space as the camera pans down slowly to an oddly-shaped battle station. Suddenly it blows up like the Death Star and several ships are seen zipping toward the screen, one of them being the Century Sparrow. On its bridge)

Anna: Yeee-haaw!

Will: Yet another victory for the Republic! Hoo-rah!

Joseph: Boy oh boy I never get tired of doing that!

Sara: So how many stations does that make?

Jared: I believe that was our 7th battle station.

Squishy: It was a weird one, though. So many Comic Con references.

Copeland: Lots of half-nerds among them.

Anna: And the Celebrity Car Cannon that's supposed to awe a planet into submission? Yeah, that Count Poodu had it coming big time.

Joseph: So what's next on our Do-To-List?

Squishy: (Pulling out list) Umm... Our continuing search for Chris and the heart of the Hellish Frown Fleet.

Joseph: Ah yes. But who's up for some regrouping and R&R?

Will: As in some booze, partying and foolhardy shenanigans?

Joseph: Bingo!

Anna: Then break out the togas!

Squishy: (In toga) Kupo!

Copeland: You guys, honestly?

(The ship zips off to space and soon we turn to Coruscant, then a cantina filled with various aliens, some video game and nerd show references, and classic Star Wars cantina music. Turn to a table where the Jedi discuss important matters at hand)

Squishy: (Drunkenly) Hey! I said no pickles in my drink you wascally wabbit. (Burps loudly then falls to ground)

Copeland: I think he's had enough root beer for now.

Joseph: Yup. Now back to the subject of Chris and the Frowns: what do we know?

Sara: Well, there really haven't been much attacks lately.

Jared: Most of it have been little cameo appearances, and that one luau where we fought with limbo and stuffed pigs.

Copeland: Other than that, it's been practically zilch.

Joseph: (Slams fist) Dang it! If only we had some big clue to exactly where they are.

Anna: You know, since saying something that specific usually did something in the past, we might get lucky again.

Will: Okay, let's just sit around and look like we're thinking.

(They sit and look upwards as if in thought. Suddenly the TV in the wall next to them starts getting static and bad signaling, and the whole cantina is alive with complaints about other TVs doing the same. As the Jedi look on, a weird screen of a dark, evil-looking frown face pops up on every TV with a deee-ing sound. Then it stops and...)

Voice: As we set things up, please sit back and PREPARE TO BOW BEFORE OUR ALMIGHTY OVERLORD! Thank you for your cooperation.

(Then the screen disappears and is replaced with that of a darkened room with a dimly-lit throne and a cloaked figure sitting in it)

?: Hello, yon galaxy. It is I: your soon-to-be-all-ruling Emperor Chris.

(The Jedi look on in shock. Squishy pops his head up from the ground to look)

Chris: I am making this announcement because it seems all you denizens are settling in for peace. Also, one of my underlings has informed me that adults are telling their children I'm a nutjob, loser, freak and all around "Joker". It seems none of you are taking me seriously to be making such insulting titles. So I thought it would be a good time to show you exactly HOW serious I am about my conquest. Sit back and enjoy our great demonstration of power. Here's a hint: watch the sky. (Signals to someone offscreen)

(As the Jedi murmur, the screen gets all static-y again and the room lights up a bit. Then...)

Patron: Oh my god! What's that in the sky!?

(Turn to outside where citizens gather and look up in shock at a supernova-like explosion plus some much smaller blasts are seen around the sky. Back in the cantina we see Squishy cringe in pain)

Sara: What's the matter, Squishy?

Squishy: Ugh... I felt a very familiar disturbance in the force.

(Turn to screen which has return to normal and shows a sardonically-laughing Chris)

Chris: Ya ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Not quite the fool you guessed, aren't I!? My demands: hand control of the galaxy and the Jedi over to me, or you will face even more devastation. So enjoy your freedom while it lasts: the mighty Frown Empire will soon squelch all that. Until next time, bye-bye. (Waves and the TV goes off)

Anna: What just happened?

Joseph: To military HQ!

(They dash out. Switch to a large briefing room where personnel are rushing around carrying papers, coffee, phones and toothbrushes in their mouths. Turn to Jedi walking in with Coruscant's governor)

Gov: You better hope this is worth my attention! I had to miss my hair appointment.

Will: Sir, you're bald.

Gov: Well there's such a thing as sexy bald you plebian! Now where's my serious shoes!?

Anna: QUIET! Briefing's about to start.

Joseph: Right. Copeland, take it away.

(Everyone quiets and sits down. Copeland stands before the group with a console behind him)

Copeland: Governor, what we have... may be the galaxy's darkest hour... again. As of one and a half hours ago, exactly 13 planets have been obliterated simultaneously all over the galaxy.

Guy: What!?

Guy2: You've got to be kidding!

Gov: Dear god...

Copeland: It was no doubt a Frown act. Our only guess is that it was a Death Star-like weapon, yet there has been no detection of activity that would indicate the production of one such weapon, much less several. So basically Chris has us by the knickers. (Gasps from around the room) Yet we may be able to stop further bloodshed. Jared.

Jared: We managed to get a recording of Chris' video and were able to trace it back to Utapau. Hopefully, Chris and possible the Frown high command may still be there.

Squishy: But we have to act fast, and prepare an immediate strike against their fleet. For that, it will involve planning planning between us Jedi and our four rebel alliance leaders, along with your permission to provide enough troops for the strike, Mr. Governor.

Gov: (Thinks) Okay. You will have your troops.

Joseph: Good. Gentlemen, let's confer.

(The Jedi and the four leaders from the last episode walk offscreen and into another room. Then the whole screen goes black and howling wind is heard. Then there's a voice)

?: That thieving b***ard! How dare he do this to me! Of all things it had to be this. But I must be patient. I must wait for the right moment. Once that weasel shows himself, I will have revenge. And when that time comes, he will wish he never crossed with me.

(Two shining lights flash from the darkness like eyes. Then turn to Utapau orbit, where the Sparrow is floating about with the Jedi and leaders in it)

Ted: So that's it then.

John: There's just one big structure that could be a Frown fortress.

Hugo: Who's gonna go in, huh? It certainly ain't gonna be me!

Joseph: No, we have it planned out. First me, Squishy and Will will infiltrate the base and try to figure out what the weapon is, and perhaps destroy it along with Chris and the Frowns. If that doesn't work out, we'll activate a beacon that will signal Copeland and the rest of you to bring in the Republic Land Forces to destroy the structure and any Frowns inside.

Sara: But why must Will go?

Will: Sara, I volunteered so you wouldn't get involved, and you could help the others like before. You know how twisted Chris can be, and now he's serious. I don't want you to get hurt, okay?

Sara: ...I guess you're right. But why Squishy?

Squishy: Well, there's bound to be video game-like obstacles, plus I can fit just about anywhere.

Anna: Yeah, he definitely has that going for him.

Bill: Don't worry. We won't fail when it's go-time. Right, Hugo?

Hugo: Yeah, whatever.

Joseph: Alright. We will begin plans tomorrow at 900 hours. And may the Force be with us all.

(They go to bed. Then we turn to some ridges on the planet's surface, where the three Jedi walk up to the top of a ridge. Then we see the Frown structure: a humongous tower held above the ground by 9 large support arches at the base, with 4 long turret "arms" jutting out midway up, and a large glass dome at the very top)

Joseph: (Into speaker) Target confirmed. Commencing Operation: Doomed Frown.

(They walk along. Eventually they near the base of the tower and walk under the arches. They look up to see a large hole with a hanger inside about 200 meters up. The Jedi nod to each other and leap high up onto some over hanging platforms. They take note of personnel working about some odd black ships around the hanger)

Will: What kind of ships are those?

Squishy: I don't know, but they look familiar.

(They sneak along and eventually enter through a door and into a hall)

Joseph: Hmm... These halls seem a bit odd.

Will: What do you mean?

Joseph: They seem built more for-

(Squishy stops and makes the others do the same. Then he pulls out a can and sprays something, which reveals a very complex set of lasers)

Joseph: Oh boy. Seems we must go all wire style.

Squishy: Right. Do the first honors.

(Joseph backs up and rushes the lasers, jumps and moves all over the place at a steady pace moving past the lasers. Then Will follows with his own style. Finally Squishy follows with his own style. Once he reaches the end of the grid, he notices the other two surrounded by guards who also point their weapons at Squishy)

Squishy: Hey, since when did you find us out?

Guard: Security cameras. (Points to some cameras above)

Squishy: Oh, right. (Stupid!)

Joseph: What will you do with us you scoundrels!

Guard: It should be obvious, yet our king shall tell you.

(TV screens hang down from the ceiling and the image of Chris and throne appears)

Chris: Ah, the ever-troublesome Jedi. We meet again. Say, where are the rest of you?

Joseph: None of your business you cad! (Secretly pushes a button behind his back)

Chris: Cad, huh? Would a cad destroy 13 planets simultaneously to show-off his intent on galactic domination?

Will: Yeah, duh!

Chris: Wait... Yeah, you're right. But that still won't save you from the horrible torture I'll inflict on your fragile minds and bodies. If you thought what I did to Guy was gruesome and sanity-warping, then you haven't seen my torture lair! Ya ha ha ee ha ho hee hee yee nee!

Squishy: In the words of Anna, "Your laugh sucks!"

Chris: Silence! Guards! Ready the Clamps of Indescribable and Scary Pain!

(An aid walks up to Chris and whispers something into his ear)

Chris: There's a WHAT coming right at us at full speed!?

Joseph: The end, my former friend. The end.

(Turn to outside and at ridges where a massive convoy of jeeps, tanks and missile launchers rushing toward the tower with a thunderous roar. In some of the lead jeeps are the Jedi and the four leaders. Turn back to the hall)

Will: Give it up, Chris. There's nowhere to run.

Chris: Oh really? Everyone on station but you six guards, TAKE POSITIONS!

(To military prep music, personnel move all about the tower entering rooms, pushing buttons and throwing switches. Announcements are heard over loudspeakers about preparations. Even Chris puts on a seatbelt)

Chris: You best grab something. No, wait, just don't move!

(A panel opens on the throne's arm and Chris pushes some buttons. After one last button press, the structure quiets, then hums and a small yet steadily increasing rumbling is felt. Outside, people in the vehicles notice the tower shaking. Suddenly flares of light explode from the bottoms of the arches and slowly the whole tower rises from the ground. As it gains height, the vehicles stop and people get out as jets of flame are shown shooting from the bottom of the arches. Inside, the Jedi and guards shake and wobble to the launch. Eventually the tower escapes the atmosphere and moves through space. On the ground...)

Anna: What the freak!?

Sara: Will...

(Back on the tower, which has steadied itself)

Squishy: What just happened?

Chris: That, my nimrods, was a launch. We are currently speeding through space at a steady clip. I suppose your little land strike will be most ineffective at this point.

Joseph: You moogle googlier! How dare you pull off such a fiendish yet highly clever trick like that!

Chris: I don't know what you called me, but yes! That was most clever, as are my torture methods. Now while you wait for the Clamps, I will tend to some more silent sitting. In the meantime, please enjoy this music video of me impersonating Lil' Wayne as a prelude for the suffering to come. See you in the torture chamber. (Waves then screen goes to a countdown)

Guard: Oh no...

(Then the screens become a flashy display of lights, rap music and scantily clad women. Chris is seen dressed as Lil' Wayne and sings the rapper's songs terribly. Suddenly all the guards fall down covering their ears and screaming in pain)

Squishy: (Screaming) Guess they haven't had the proper conditioning for this!

Joseph: Yeah! Let's make a break for it!

Will: I'm down with that!

(They then break out lightsabers and take out the disortiented guards before rushing down the hall. After facing a few more guards, including some wanting their autographs, they get cornered into a niche while lasers blaze around)

Joseph: Trapped! What now, gentlemen!?

Squishy: (Noticing something) Hey, a chute of some sort.

Joseph: Well, it's better than nothing. (Cuts open grate and they take turns going down)

Will: Geronimo!

Joseph: Geronimo!

Squishy: Geronimo!

Indian: Me!

(The four slide down several chutes and slides and many turns, yet Geronimo goes down a separate path and straight through an industrial fan labeled "Random Industrial Fan". Eventually the Jedi split up on separate paths with Will and Squishy going down one way. Soon Joseph lands in a small maintenance hall, and the other two land in a garbage room. After some recovering)

Will: Ugh, my head. Where are we?

Squishy: Seems like a typical waste compactor, with no obvious way out. (Seeing something) Hey! You're that ninja!

(A robo head pops out of a heap of garbage)

Ninja: Errr... No I'm not. I'm just a plain pile of garbage with no sentience whatsoever.

Squishy: No you're not! Why are you here anyway?

Ninja: Oh, fine. (Steps out of garbage) After MGS1 there was no proper work for me since I "died" at the end of that game. The only work was a desk job at Konami, where I learned troubling things about lengthening the cutscenes in MGS2. When I tried to shorten the cutscenes and remove the naked Raiden scene, my creators planned to have me face an "untimely accident" while at work. Fortunately I caught wind of it and ducked down in this alternate Star Wars reality. I spent the past few weeks here in this structure getting a lay of the architecture and fitting in with the garbage. I imagined it would make for decent information, as well as give me something to do.

Will: So you know the whole layout of this place?

Ninja: Yes. I also took note of all the key areas of the structure as well.

Squishy: Then could you possibly lead us to, say, the command deck if there is such one?

Ninja: Of course. But we must be quick and wary. The walls have ears and anything could-

(Gets crushed by a garbage cube to the shock of the other two. Then they look up and notice more falling garbage, which causes them to weave and duck and roll from the falling trash)

Will: What now? (Dodges some trash)

Squishy: (Thinks) I got it! (Walks to middle of room)

Will: What are you doing?

Squishy: Just shush and help me here. It's gonna get technical.

(Will walks to him, then Squishy raises his arms to the ceiling along with Will. Then to Tetris music they play a game of it using the Force to treat each bit of garbage as a game piece. They make a protective umbrella of blocks over them and even clear out a few lines below them)

Will: We can't keep this up, you know that?

Squishy: Alright, I'll finish it then. (He sets about making a staircase up a wall and clogs up the ceiling holes so no more garbage comes out)

Will: How did you know a door was up there?

Squishy: There was a door? Ah well, let's just go. (Moves along)

Will: Wait! (Goes over to a trash pile and yanks out a chip from the Ninja's head) We could find a terminal and figure out what he knew.

Squishy: Okay, let's move and hopefully find Jo.

(They go up the stairs and through the door. Eventually, after some walking)

Squishy: Looky there: an empty maintenance room, with a computer of all things. (They go in) All right, put it in.

(Will puts the chip into the computer and reads a nearby manual on how to start it up. Soon they have it running and upload the data on the chip)

Will: Okay, let's see. Hm, seems he did some good reconnaissance. He scoped out the hanger, various hall routes, shortcuts and all that sort of stuff.

Squishy: What about the defense grid?

Will: Right. It seems that those four turret arms have defense platforms on them and the hanger is well-equip for space combat. Now about those ships we saw, his scanners detected a very strong, unknown material that is impervious to lasers and extreme heat. (Realizing) Oh don't tell me-

Squishy: Sun Crushers. They looked more like A-wings, but they will still be a problem when the fleet arrives.

Will: Right, now about the rest of this station. Huh, he couldn't get past the second-to-highest section due to extreme magnetic and radiation levels.

Squishy: The very top must be where the control center is, and probably where Chris is. First though, we need to warn the others about those fighters. Will, send an e-mail.

Will: But then Chris will know where we are.

Squishy: We can't let the fleet go in not knowing what they will be facing. Print up the quickest route to the core and send the rest to the others. They will figure the rest out. Hopefully.

Will: (Pauses) Alright. We can take on those guards anyway. (Prints up a map and e-mails information) Now, shall we leave?

Squishy: Definitely.

(They walk out. Turn to surface of Utapau, where the convoy and equipment are being shipped to space. Turn to a tent where the other Jedi are contemplating)

Copeland: How could this have happened? Since when does something that massive lift off into space?

Anna: Well, it's fan fiction, and anything could happen.

Sara: I sure hope Will and the others are okay.

(After some silence)

Hugo: So... it's game over, right?

Jared: Shut up! You're not helping one bit you coward.

Ted: Guys! Come look at this!

(They rush over to a computer with AOL service)

Bill: We just got this a second ago.

Sara: It's from Will!

John: And it has something about that ship. (Reading a bit) San Crusher A-wings? What are those?

Copeland: Something very bad, but we might have a way to get around it.

Anna: What's you thinking, Copeland?

Copeland: An idea that I don't want uttered in public. I'll explain on our way to Coruscant.

Ted: Oh boy.

(Turn back to Will and Squishy walking the halls following a map)

Will: Where do we turn again?

Squishy: (Looking at map) At the next right there should be a garage of some sort with a service elevator we could use.

(They continue until an intersection. They stop quickly and look toward their left, where they see a bunch of guards in a rec room watching other guards playing Donkey Konga)

Guard: Bad? I clapped on the mark you stupid peripheral!

Guard2: Try tapping the sides. That usually works.

Guard: Yeah? Well maybe I will when we stop selecting "Bingo" every freakin' time!

Guard: Eh, your loss.

Guard3: Hey! Who're they!?

(Everyone turns to face the Jedi)

Squishy: Eep...

Guard4: Get them punks! They ruined my combo!

(They get up and rush at the Jedi, who in turn rush to the right intersection turn. They continue running into a spacious garage with a sliding door at one end. The two slide under the almost closed door and slam it down, then barricade it with various junk. Outside the guards smack right into it with no avail. Inside)

Squishy: Trapped! Trapped like typical movie character rats!

Will: There has to be something to ride. It is a garage after all.

Squishy: Okay. Let's see... Things to ride, things to ride... (Looks around) Ah crap! They're all being repaired; none of them are operational!

Will: Then I guess we fight, eh?

Squishy: (Noticing something) Wait! Over there! (Points to a shopping cart)

Will: You've got to be joking.

Squishy: Come on!

(Turn to outside, where the guards slowly close on the door. Then Will and Squishy burst out through the door on the cart and speed on into the hall)

Squishy: Yeeee-hawwww!

Will: I still can't believe we're doing this!

(They continue into the rec room, where they turn back around and head for that service elevator. They stop inside as the door closes. Later and at a different area, the doors open and the cart shoots out down a very long, smooth slope)

Will: What now?

Squishy: We see where this thing ends! Woo-hoo!

(They continue until a factory car and 2 segways loaded with guards appear and give chase)

Will: We got company!

(They continue speeding through curves, loops and slopes as the group behind them pursues. Meanwhile, in a much smaller hall we see Jo walking about)

Joseph: (Sighs) I've been walking endlessly and still no sign of the other two. I hope they had better luck finding something then I did.

(After some more scenes of the chase we turn back to Jo)

Joseph: Man, something has to turn up eventua- (Falls through the floor and ends up taking up one of the segways in the chase while knocking off its driver)

Will: What the heck?

Squishy: (Looking back) Jo!

(Jo catches up to them using the Force)

Joseph: Uh, not to interrupt anything, but what's going on?

Squishy: You're part of an odd yet wacky chase. Now keep up!

(They continue the chase and speed along. Eventually they reach a huge ramp that goes up to an overhanging platform, then to a much lower piece of track. The cart and segway speed up and in slo-mo we see the two fly up, hit the platform, then guide down to the other track. The second segway follows but the factory car crashes into the platform and explodes. On the other track, the enemy segway looks behind him with relief, but turns around to find himself driving right into a "Random Rancor Pen". As for the Jedi they stop at a dead-end and get off their rides)

Joseph: Woooo! What a rush!

Will: I never want to do that again. Where do we go now, Squish?

Squishy: (Pulls out map) What do you know? We're right on track. We just go through a few more halls this way.

Will: That's good. I don't want to see another shopping cart again.

(They go into a hall. Now turn to Coruscant orbit, where a massive Republic fleet moves into space to "Battle of Endor" music. One of the ships is the Sparrow, which weaves through the ships toward the front. Onboard)

Sara: I still can't believe you actually had that idea, Copeland.

Copeland: Yeah, so am I. God, why was it me to suggest something so dumb?

Anna: Blame the Contractor, my friend.

Cruiser: This is Home Two. Are all ships prepared for hyperspace?

Jared: (Into comm) Right-o, Home Two.

Cruiser: Good. Set weapon batteries to annihilate once we arrive. And may the Force be with us.

(They speed off into space. Turn back to the other 3 Jedi who are walking down a hall trying to sing the FF tribute song. Suddenly a door slams down in front of them and behind them, then TVs pop from the ceiling and Chris is shown)

Chris: You pesky Jedi! You continue to annoy me by slaughtering my favorite songs with your awful singing!

Joseph: Okay Chris, what do you want now?

Chris: I want to torture you in a million, billion different ways. But, since I found and sorta captured you before my guards, I see a reward is in order.

Will: A reward for what?

Chris: For creating such a hassle and making it last this long. Now, please, walk this way.

(A panel opens in the hall side and the Jedi enter hesitantly. Inside they find a nice observation deck with a huge viewscreen shown)

Chris: I thought I might explain a few things before your precious friends arrive. Ahem. Over 2 years ago, I found fit that my personal organization deserved an awesome headquarters. It needed to be big, unique and totally righteous. So plans for this station were put into action. Yet a major problem was a lack of necessary material for this place and its personal fighter squadron. So I came up with the idea of taking over some necessary planets with a freakish force of nature. I summoned Lavos because he was as strong as the Frowns, and just as expendable. In those 3 months you were gone, Lavos had accumulated more than enough resources to build this establishment and its ship entourage, so I knew he had to be done away with. Fortunately, you Jedi took care of that for me, thus leaving me only to take up this throne and wait to debut this masterpiece.

Joseph: But what of those 13 planets you destroyed? How did that happen?

Chris: You'll know in time. But for now, your friends have arrived.

(Turn to outside where the Republic fleet has arrived)

Chris: My fleet won't arrive for quite some time, but that will leave plenty of time for your fleet to struggle against my special fighters. (Into a mic) Launch 'em.

(Back in space, we see those weird fighters leaving the bottom of the station. Onboard the Sparrow)

Jared: Enemy fighters inbound!

Copeland: Ready the secret weapons Home Two, and fire on my mark.

Cruiser: Roger.

(Get look at inbound ships)

Copeland: Ready. (Everyone gets rigid and nervous and sweaty) One. Twooooooooooooooooooooooooo (Look at ships again) oooooooooooooooooooo FIRE!

(Then all Republic ships fire white projectiles which are actually white rabbits)

Chris: WHAT!?

(The bunnies hit the fighters causing them to explode into flowers and sunshine. They are all systematically destroyed)

Sara: Yippeeee! The bunnies did it!

Copeland: I still loath myself for suggesting it...

(Back on station)

Chris: NOOOOO! Crap, crap, crap! Of all the things I forgot to make them cute resistent! I was expecting lasers and explosions, but this!?

Squishy: I knew they'd figure it out.

Chris: Curse you! Curse you all!

(Back to Sparrow)

Cruiser: Prepare to fire disabling rounds at those engines.

(Another volley is fired. Yet as they near the ship, the bunnies suddenly explode)

Copeland: What!?

Anna: No way!

Sara: The bunnies! Noooo!

(Back on station)

Will: What the?

Chris: (Recovering himself) He he he! What? Did you actually think something this grand and expensive wouldn't have powerful shields?

Squishy: Whatever! Without your fleet, the Republic will find some way to mop the space floor with you.

Chris: Oh really? Well, it's still a good thing my fleet isn't here, because your friends can still witness the power of this fully operational battle station!

Joseph: What? Oh man, this can't be good.

(Turn to outside space where the second-to-highest section splits open horizontally to reveal a very large and oddly-shaped white crystal. It appears to charge some energy, then fires a beam at a Republic ship, obliterating it)

Chris: Behold, the ultimate interstellar weapon and the name of this battle station: Galactic Doom! A rare type of focusing crystal mined on one of my previously owned planets, it has the ability to direct a powerful beam of energy in any direction. Along with that, it can fire multiple beams at any planet in the galaxy at any place. All that's needed is the power generated within the station. Using all the ship's power, up to 13 planets anywhere in the galaxy can be destroyed simultaneously. But that's not all. Using much less energy, the crystal can fire many more beams that are capable of destroying capital ships, such as these. (Two beams fire and two more ships are destroyed) Plus, with powerful shielding, rotating turrets, detachable defense platforms and the entire Frown fleet, your precious friends will be no match for my full might.

Will: Why you-

Joesph: Calm down, Will. There's nothing we can do.

Chris: Precisely. Now, while I slowly destroy your fleet, I think it be wise for you to know I have alerted all my staff of your location. I will leave the door open for you so you can have a head start. But be warned: now that the crystal's been exposed, you will face a high improbability of getting to me without suffocating. Have a nice death, Jedi. (Tunes out)

Squishy: Crap. What do we do now?

Joseph: Let's get out of here fast and maybe we can find a way to get to Chris and possibly help the others.

Will: Geez. I hope Sara's alright out there.

Joseph: She'll do fine, my friend. Right now, we need to motor.

(They rush out of the room and into the hall. In space, we see the fleet weaving around avoiding laser fire from the rotating turrets and detached defense platforms. The Sparrow weaves along with a few platforms)

Jared: Normally this wouldn't be a problem if not for that stupid shield!

Anna: Now we're reduced to frantic survival. Home Two, how's it looking?

Cruiser: Well, other than those last three ships, we've lost no other ships, and the super weapon shows no activity. Wait... Oh, we just lost a medical frigate.

Sara: Ohh, how can this get any worse?

(A huge armada appears opposite the fleet)

Copeland: You just had to say that, didn't you?

Jared: Hold on to your butts!

(Turn back to station where we see the other 3 running down a hall, then stop and bend over panting)

Will: Man! Wasn't that an odd ordeal?

Squishy: Roller Rink Rally? Since when did roller disco become a part of high security standards?

Joseph: You barely survived back there, Squishy.

Squishy: I'm a Jawa, dang it! We can't skate on sand, you know!

Will: Let's be glad the guards sucked as much as you did.

Squishy: Hey!

Joseph: Quiet! Let's move on already and be glad we lost those guards.

(They walk on until they reach a heavy door)

Joseph: "Main Weapon Holding Chamber/Airlock". Well, we might have reached the end of the road, boys.

Will: If only there was some suits to get us out there. Yet there's still those radiation levels that would fry anything that's not properly shielded.

Squishy: Soooo, we just wait and think?

Joseph: Yeah, we better. Just hope everyone else lasts long enough for us to figure out something.

(They sit around and think. Meanwhile, all space is ablaze with lasers and bunnies as the two fleets battle each other. Capital ships and fighters alike go down in graceful dives or great fireballs. Plus, Galactic Doom is blasting ships at irregular intervals and bursts. Turn to Sparrow, which is chasing other fighters)

Anna: (Into comms) Things are looking tight! How're you guys holding up?

Ted: Good.

John: Fine.

Bill: Dandy.

Hugo: Mommy! Mommyyyyy!

Copeland: Good to hear. Break off and regroup at Home Two if we survive. Woah!

(We see Sparrow peel off as a flaming capital ship roars past them)

Jared: This is getting way too intense!

Sara: Fighters dead ahead!

Copeland: Fire the Dachshunds of Delight. (God I hate saying that!)

(We see dachshunds fired at fighters which fly out of control, smoking)

Anna: More fighters on our tail.

Copeland: Time for the exciting space pursuit scene.

(We see the Sparrow zoom toward the center of conflict with fighters behind it. Like Episode III the ships go through turrets, exploding craft and tons of lasers and debris set to a strong orchestral score. Eventually there's but one pursuer, but it hits the Sparrow with a good shot)

Sara: Sublight engines are at 40% functional! We're slowing down!

Copeland: Then we weave. Jared, do that thing Squishy does with a copy of WarioWare Twisted.

Jared: Gotcha!

(They weave like crazy but the fighter persists)

Copeland: D**n! Get weavier, man!

Anna: I don't think that's even a word.

Copeland: I don't care! Just weave like the dickens!

(They weave more crazily but soon stops)

Jared: I can't go on. We'll lose our bearings.

(They look up to see that they are heading for the super weapon at a fast rate as it's charging up)

All: YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

(Just as the beam fires, the ship pulls up, barely missing the beam which destroys the enemy fighter. Inside Sparrow)

Anna: Holy h***! That was close!

Sara: Aren't you being a little contradictory?

Anna: So what!? We barely escaped death AGAIN!

Jared: Hey, don't any of you notice something different out there...

(They look out to see themselves floating next to the firing crystal)

Copeland: Holy crap, we're in the shield.

(Turn back to the still-thinking 3, where static noises come from Jo)

Will: What's that?

Joseph: My comm unit, but it doesn't work unless... hold on. (Into comm) Is anyone out there?

Anna: Jo? Jo, is that you?

Joseph: Yes, it's me, along with Squishy and Will.

Sara: What? Will's still alive? Hooooray!

Squishy: Where are you guys, and how are you in comm range?

Copeland: Well, I'm not quite sure, but we must have gone through a hole in the shield while a beam from this crystal thing fired, so now we're floating next to it. So how bout you?

Joseph: We are at an airlock door that leads to the area under the crystal, but we're stuck because we've got no space suits. Say, maybe you can come down here and pick us up.

Copeland: It might take awhile, but leave the beacon on.

Joseph: Of course.

(After some time, a clanging noise is heard outside the door)

Copeland: Okay, we're hooked to the airlock. Come on inside.

(The Jedi open the door and walk into the Sparrow. Sara rushes over and hugs Will)

Sara: Oh Will! Will, Will, Will! You're alright!

Will: (Pats her head to disengage her) Yes, Sara, I'm still here. There's nothing to worry about.

Anna: So, what exactly did you face down there?

Joseph: We'll explain later. Right now we need to strategize. Detach from the airlock and get us floating.

(The ship detaches and moves up near the crystal. The Jedi look on in silence at the ever-worsening space battle)

Squishy: Man, things sure are going badly. How about Ted and the others?

Jared: We lost contact with them before getting here. Hopefully they're still alive.

Joseph: (Slams fist) Dang it! This can't go on! There just has to be something we can do to help the fleet!

Copeland: Well at this point we can only look on, Jo.

Joseph: No! I refuse to believe that! To think: all our hard work, our dreams, our marks of unique silliness destroyed, all because of that traitorous Chris!

Will: (Putting hand on Jo's shoulder) Then we'll get him. We'll stop Chris. If there was a way out of the lower areas, then there's a way in to the command section.

Squishy: Plus, with with him thinking we're still stuck down there, we'll catch him totally off guard.

Sara: Come on, Jo. We can do it together.

Joseph: (Pausing) Alright. We'll get that son of a biscuit. Jared, find a way into the command section.

Jared: Roger.

Joseph: And, guys... show no mercy once we get there.

(After they nod we see the ship circling upwards toward the command section until it stops by another airlock and hooks on to it. The Jedi walk out into another hall and stand ready)

Squishy: Alright. Let's do this.

(They light sabers and move on. Eventually they stop)

Anna: All this dramatic walking is killing my feet.

Copeland: Fine. We'll get directions from that decorative computer terminal.

(They go over to the terminal and type some things)

Copeland: Holy cow!

Joseph: What? What is it?

Copeland: This console is connected directly to the shield controls of the whole station.

Anna: Well what are you waiting for? Shut them down and be glad these guys were dumb enough to put a console this important in so unsecured an area such as this.

Copeland: I wish I could, but I can't input anything from this keyboard. I would need to upload a foreign presence to screw with the system.

Squishy: Ooh! I might have something to fit that bill. (Pulls out a chip)

Copeland: What's that?

Squishy: This is the chip we got the fighter info from, which was part of a robo ninja's brain. It should make it the perfect foreign body.

Anna: Well, I'm skeptical in asking where and how you got that thing, but heck, let's give it a try.

Copeland: (Receiving chip) Uploading now.

(He uploads the chip. The Jedi watch the screen with anticipation until it flashes read and warnings come up)

Will: Yes! It's working! Thank you Grey Fox; thank you for your messed-up mind.

Some: Grey Fox?

Will: Uhh... I'll explain on our way up.

Joseph: Right! Let's move on and hope the fleet still has enough left to make an effective counterattack.

Sara: Forward!

(They move on. Back in space, the shield flashes and disappears)

Cruiser: Holy nucking futs, the shield is down! What do we do?

Ted: I think we attack that battle station NOW!

Cruiser: Oh, right, errr. Uh-hum. All ships, fire everything at that battle station, then take take ou the fleet as well!

Hugo: I still think we're all going to die.

All: Will you just shut up already!

(The ships attack the station. Turn to throne where Chris sits around gloating. Then the station rumbles)

Chris: What the heck!? (Brings up a screen and sees ships bombarding the station) How the-!? Ohhhhhhhhhh THOSE F**KING JEDI! NOOOO!

(Then we go into montage where we see shots of the Jedi rushing through halls, the station being blasted and Chris getting even more angry and violent. After seeing the outside turrets destroyed and Chris gaining a dark aura, turn to Jedi who have stopped at a wall map)

Squishy: According to this, we just need to go up one more elevator to reach the command dome.

Joseph: And that elevator is right over there! Let's move, chums!

(They run along to a dark plaza with an elevator at the end until)

?: Well, well, weh-ell. We, meet, a-gay-ain Jed-i.

(A mechanized noise is heard)

Copeland: Oh god... Oh god... No! It just can't be! For the love of reason don't let it be!

(The noises comes a fat, deformed being that appears to be a cyborg steps out. When it stops we see it to be a badly put-together version of the Captain Kirk wannabe from EpisodeΩ, now with metal plates covering many parts of the body)

Joseph: Ahh crap.

Captain: Ye-eh-es! It, is, I! Back, from, the, dead, and, ready, for, ven-gee-ance. The, great, master, Chris was, kind, ee-nough, to, bring me, back, for, use as, his, last defence. Now, pre-pare, to, face, me, in, ever, mortal com-(Copeland slices him in half quickly)

Copeland: God! Of all the messed-up tricks made by Chris, this has to be the most underhanded and utterly horrific of them all! Good thing it's easily dealt with.

Captain: (Torso part) Ugh. You, have, bes-ted, me, again. Be-fore, I, go, off, to, oblivion, I, have, but, one, thing, to, tell, you.

(Still-standing legs kick Copeland in crotch)

Captain: I have remote-controlled legs, b**ch!

(Then the legs knock Copeland down and the two halves set about wailing on him)

Captain: Yeah! Yeah! Who's the insignificant fool now! Have some more android fist sandwich, punk.

(The beating continues)

Will: Alex! (Tries to rush forward, but Squishy holds him back)

Squishy: No. Don't help him.

Will: What!? Are you Crazy!?

Joseph: We need to help him!

Anna: That mechanical freak is literally kicking him while he's down, and then some!

Squishy: No. This is Copeland's moment. He has to face this challenge alone.

(We see Copeland being held down by the legs)

Copeland: Guys! Help! (Torso body slams him)

Squishy: Yep, he's doing just fine.

(The two halves bend parts of Copeland)

Copeland: Please! Why won't you help me!? Gahhh! It hurts so much!

Squishy: He'll pull through eventually.

(The legs are dancing on Copeland's back)

Copeland: Ooh! Oww! Yah-ha! What have I ever done to deserve this!?

Squishy: (Whistling nonchalantly) Yep, any minute now.

(The robo legs spin Copeland in the air like a circus ball)

Copeland: Woah! Wooah! Wooah! Helll-ellll-ellll-elp mee, ee, ee!

(After more silliness we see the android parts standing over a crumpled Copeland)

Captain: Who's the nerdy b**ch now, Jedi!?

(With a quick slash Copeland slices the legs and goes about dicing up the two parts. When left with the head, he punts it with extreme power and yells. He then walks over to Squishy)

Squishy: See. I told you he'd- (Gets punched on top of skull by Copeland)

Copeland: Heh. I've always wanted to do that. (Walks away)

Squishy: (Recovering) Ooh, yeah. I might've deserved that. Let's just... get in that elevator so I can collect myself.

(They go into the elevator and the doors close. In space, we see the station ravaged with flames and more enemy ships exploding. However, the Home Two cruiser is smoking and burning)

John: Home Two, how're you holding up?

Cruiser: Not good. Hyperdrive and sublight engines are badly damaged, and we can hardly fire anything. I had everyone but me abandon ship.

Ted: Sir, move behind everyone else and let us handle this.

Cruiser: No, it's too late for me. If I'm going down, it's gonna be with a bang.

(The cruiser turns to the crystal)

Bill: What are you doing, Home Two!?

Cruiser: I'm gonna screw those b***ards to the point of no return. Just remember me when we've won.

Ted: No Home Two! Don't do it!

Hugo: I knew he was going to die! I just knew it!

(The cruiser speeds toward the crystal. The crystal fires at the ship but the beams aren't strong enough to obliterate it)

Cruiser: Open up and say "ahh", you freaks!

Ted: Home Two! Home Two! (The cruiser crashes into the crystal) HOME TWOOOOO!

(Then there's a huge, blinding flash and explosion that blots out everything in white light. When it clears, all that's left of the super weapon are hundreds of tiny twinkles, and the command section very slowly drifts and spins from the rest of the station. In the elevator, there is a little rumbling that soon stops. When the elevator stops, the Jedi rush out into a wide open city-like area filled with control panels, walkways and a huge glass dome at the top. The Jedi run up a huge, wide staircase until they stand before a hunched Chris and his throne)

Chris: (In a dark, serious tone) Do you know what your friends did? They just destroyed the super weapon, and now this section is very slowly tumbling through space. In time it will collide with something and kill us all, unless your friends do that first.

Joseph: Our friends? Chris, they were your friends once. Why did you betray us? Why are you doing all this? It just doesn't make sense.

Chris: Why? WHY? (Gets up and starts moving about) Okay, I'll tell you. I did it because I wanted to be serious. For once I am a force to be reckoned with and feared. This one time I am something more serious than some wacko sergeant or "Boobie Fettish"! I mean, are you f***ing for real? Now I am the most fearsome villain in the whole galaxy, even more fearsome and serious than that moron Kangaroo or that idiot Darth Numa! It is now my moment of glory to make something of myself by conquering the galaxy with a highly kick-a** weapon that no one will laugh at! I was going to be big! I was going to be almighty! I, was going to be a GOD!

(Raises arms to glass dome where there's a big explosion for dramatic effect. Then he lowers his arms and turns to face the Jedi)

Chris: So now you know why I betrayed you: so I can be taken seriously.

Squishy: Hmm. I can see where you're coming from. But, like in any other movie of good versus evil, (They all light their sabers) the righteous must prevail.

Chris: Heh. I'll make you as dead and worthless as the midichlorian plot point. (Lights his saber)

Anna: Chris: it will be a pleasure to whup ya good.

Chris: Just shut up and fight! (Then, in a most climatic battle, all 7 Jedi fight Chris, who proves to be quite an equal to them. As they fight, the station spins around so the ongoing space battle outside can serve as a backdrop. The combatants fight all over the place, over walkways and on stairs with different groups of people taking up to Chris, with pairings up to 4 people. Then when Chris and Joseph lock sabers, they gaze viciously into each others eyes, then slash again as an explosion takes place above them from outside)

Chris: Yes! This is what I'm talking about! A fight only achieved by being the biggest bad-a** around! Olé!

(They keep the fighting up. Then they reach the base of the stairs)

Joseph: It ends now Chris. Jedi: Form up!

(They group together, then float up and spin around in the air charging up)

Chris: Ooh boy. Not good.

(Then the Jedi stop and glow. Then 3 of them fly at and slam through Chris, disorienting him, then the other 4 slash through and take off his arms and legs. The Jedi come together and turn off their sabers)

Will: A fitting end for a funny beginning. It was a pleasure, Chris.

Chris: Ugh...

Jared: Holy crap he's still alive! (Wait. Duh! We only took off his limbs)

Chris: Ugh... where am I? (Noticing Jedi) Oh, hey guys! What's going on? It seems I lost my arms and legs... again.

Copeland: Don't play dumb with us! You're on a one way trip to a speedy trial.

Chris: Trial? What did I do? I can barely remember anything.

Joseph: Wait. You... don't know anything, even what you were doing to us earlier?

Chris: Uhhh, no? I don't even know where I am.

Will: So you don't know about the Frowns, or even Lavos?

Chris: Wait. I sorta remember feeling fear and pain and doubt while also thinking about something called Lavos. Weird thing was, I think it was happening in my thumb. Oh, wait. Uh-oh! I just remembered him.

Joseph: Chris, what are you talking about?

Chris: Guys! You've got to look out for this guy! He wanted to use me to do bad things, Lavos being one of them.

Joseph: Who, Chris? Who are you tal- (Gets punched in face)

Sara: Jo!

Joseph: What the freak!

(We then see Chris' severed limbs floating and looking to fight)

Anna: What's this?

Chris: It's him! Guys, get away, NOW!

Joseph: No one punches me while I'm asking a question! Get 'em!

(They go about trying to take out the limbs, but they prove to be too fast and skillful. Soon they float to the top of the stairs and spin around. Then they combine and in a flash a robed figure appears, who raises his head and is revealed as)

All: PICKLES!?

Pickles: Yes! It is I: the Pickles you knew before. However, I much prefer being called: Henry (strikes a pose) the Designer! For without me, architects would lack creativity in their work!

Anna: How can this be!? How come he's here alive!? Jo, do you know?

Joseph: (Sighs) I'm afraid so. You see, after the very first episode fans wanted Chris back, and at the time we could only afford him new arms. So we borrowed some legs from Pickles' corpse. Then after the second episode we had to replace his arms. But it looks as though Pickles pulled an MGS2 to bite us in the a**.

Will: Wait, you used my brother's body parts without telling me? Dude, what if I wanted to hold a funeral for him, you insensitive jerk!

Henry: Insensitive, indeed, especially in the wake of my unceremonious send-off by nipple-searing. But here I am at god tier, so prepare yourselves for the full might of the Designer!

(Sticks out hand and suddenly everyone is pressed to the floor)

Will: Uh, what the!? (Struggles) Can't move. Squishy?

Squishy: I don't think anyone can, Will.

Henry: Ha ha! Feel my power, mortals! I have spent years perfecting it up to now. And now to tell you the rest of the story. It was I who made Chris do those deliciously evil acts, all done to ready the galaxy for my rule. Sure, I was gonna do the ruling in another person's body, but I was willing to live with that. However, you meddling Jedi had to ruin all that I have built up. So, for compensation, I'll just watch as the life is stripped from your puny bodies.

Anna: You were full of crap then and full of crap now, Pickles. You can't do anything.

Henry: Heh. Talk all you want, you're not the boss of me anymore. Right now, I'm the one wearing the wicked Sith robes and not you, traitor.

Jared: Maybe you haven't heard: Darth Kangaroo was manipulating her. You know, not unlike what you've been doing with Chris this whole time.

Henry: I don't care! All I know is that you're mine and will soon be wet, sticky entrails beneath my feet. Yeh-heh heh heh heh!

(Squishy starts moaning and cringing)

Sara: Squishy, what's wrong?

Joseph: What are you doing to Squishy, you monster!

(Then Squishy slowly gets up)

Henry: Hey, wait. You're not supposed to do that. You shouldn't be able to do that. Get back down!

(Still moaning and cringing, Squishy's tone becomes even more demonic. Then he pushes out and screams as he morphs into... The Contractor!)

Cont.: Henry you backstabbing thief! How _dare_ you steal my brilliant doomsday ideas!

Henry: Steal? I believe I was the one who made it.

Cont.: You didn't come up with the idea, and here they all are! Crystal, command section, turrets, and even my fleet of Sun Crushers! Now that was the biggest straw of them all in breaking my back!

Henry: Well you weren't doing squat to bring it all to life, and I wanted some freakin' action, darn it!

Cont.: When I found the right scenario I would've, but now you had to go behind my back and say all this was your idea. Plus, all you did for it was make the drawings more crisp!

Henry: But that's the sort of crispness you can only get from me!

Cont.: I could've gotten your brother to do it with much more cooperation. Besides, your works were mere doodles compared to his!

Henry: Then why didn't you hire him in the first place if you're so smart?

Cont.: Why you! Prepare to get schooled in the ways of the Pissant Arts, fool!

(The place starts rumbling and warping)

Henry: Uh uh uh. You know that if we fight here, all matter will compress and explode before our wrath.

Cont.: Hmm... for once you're right. Very well, we'll take this out someplace less fragile. I pick.

Henry: Fine.

Cont.: Fine.

Henry: Fine!

Cont.: Fine!

Joseph: Uhh, what about us?

Henry: Silence, mortal! I'll deal with you later! Now then Steven, let's get it done!

Cont.: It's git r done, you clod.

Henry: Shut up, wannabe redneck!

(The screen blacks out. Then we turn to a large, brightly peach-colored dome-like area with platforms at each end and a walkway connecting them. The Contractor appears on the left one)

Cont.: (Strikes pose) Heroes of Light! (The Jedi, 4 leaders, Lord Vidiot, and good Chris appear with him. Henry appears at the other platform)

Henry: (Strikes pose) Villains of Old! (All previous villains and evil Chris appears. The two sides stare down at each other)

Henry: You ready to fight, Steven?

Cont.: Yeah, but I must warn you: I have mad skills in this field.

Henry: Whatever.

(After some more tense standing off)

Cont.: Now!

(Then his side starts River Dancing to no music. Next, Henry's side starts up. Then they start doing a tap off with both sides doing their own routines. Then)

Cont.: Not so easy, is it?

Henry: This is cheap, you know that?

Cont.: That shows how little of the dance you know.

(They tap faster)

Henry: Anyone can do this, even a loser such as yourself.

Cont.: You should save your breath. It must be getting harder to breath.

Henry: Screw you!

(They tap even faster)

Cont.: Admit it! You hardly have anything creative on mind.

Henry: I have more creative ideas in more fields than you!

Cont.: But none of it is in Star Wars.

Henry: Balderdash! I'm more fit for survival in the real world than you.

Cont.: And I'm more fit to be Lord of the Dance.

Henry: I'll make you Lord of a Lightsaber in Your Face!

Cont.: Okay, you want to do it old school?

Henry: Yes, and very gladly, I might add.

Cont.: Fine!

Henry: Fine!

Cont.: Fine!

Henry: Fine!

Cont.: FINE!

Henry: FINE!

Anna: (I still think this is completely pointless)

Henry: Prepare to die, dog! (Leaps off)

Cont.: En Guarde! (Leaps off and both fly toward the middle. After locking sabers the DDRMax 2 song 'Burning Heat' plays as the two fight. As they fight, stands rise up from the sidelines with rows of tap dancers on them and water jets shooting up in sequence to the song. The battle is stylish, silly and well-choreographed. Once the song ends the 2 lock sabers again as the tapping stops, the jets all shoot up and screams and applause are heard as the camera pans out and blacks out. Then we turn to a darkened space that's occupied only by a bench with a GBA on it. Squishy walks in from the side and glances around, then noticing the GBA, he takes a seat on the bench, picks it up and turns it on. We then zoom into the screen of the game device, and in a darkened screen 2 sabers turn on 1 at a time then spotlights reveal the adversaries preparing to fight to the song 'Wario de Mambo'. [NOTE: if you haven't played WarioWare: Twisted, what yo thinking!? Buy it now or be left in the dark!] In synch with the song, the two swing and slash at each other as the opposite appropriately dodges each attack. The attacks become more furious and fast as the song gets faster, with more flashing lights appearing along with moving spotlights. Just as the song is about to end, the two do a dance to the beat, then the two slash at each other, then resume their dance, then Contractor punches Henry, resumes dance while Henry is dazed, then pierces Henry's midsection with his lightsaber right when the song stops. Then there's a white flash and the screen melts out. Now turn back to battle station where everyone is where they were before. However, Henry is kneeling, clutching his gut)

Henry: Heh, that was cheap what you did back there. But I have to admit: you know your games. Guhh! (Collapses to the floor and lays silent. Contractor turns off his saber)

Cont.: (Sighs) He was a good friend. You can get up now.

Joseph: (Getting up) Yeah. Uh, who was he exactly?

Cont.: He was my best friend in my world. We both shared plenty of interests, yet were quite different. He was more of the rural rapping sort, whilst I was the suburban quiet type who played games and preferred not to work. One thing for sure was our shared love of Star Wars, which led to the viewing of Episode III and the creation of this universe. But when the first trilogy became such a huge hit, he became jealous and wanted a piece of the proverbial pie. So he took over Chris at the end of the last trilogy and added his own brand of antagonism to the story. It was only until now that I knew of his intentions when he brought one of my pet projects to life, so I took a spot in Squishy's mind and waited until he revealed himself so I could strike him down. However, the damage has been done and now everyone will know of his deeds. He would've liked it, yet I fear he will crave more. So that was what's been going on.

Will: Whoa. That sure was long.

Sara: And a little odd.

Cont.: (Shrugs) Eh. What do you know?

Copeland: So what's left for us? This is the "finale".

Cont.: Hmm. Well, I suppose it's up to fan fiction writers everywhere. I find my work to be done, and now I want to go back and celebrate another trilogy completed.

Jared: Well, good-bye then.

Joseph: Yeah, guess this is it then, "Our Lord".

Cont.: Sadly so. So long, and it was a pleasure creating you. (Then he morphs back into Squishy)

Squishy: Ehh, what did I miss?

Anna: It's best you don't know.

(Turn to Henry crawling along to a control panel. He lifts himself up onto it and grabs a lever)

Henry: Bite on this, Jedi! (Pulls lever. Klaxons and red lights go off)

Voice: Self-destruct activated. All personnel evacuate the facility. Countdown at T-minus 5 minutes. Have a nice day.

Joseph: How predictable.

Squishy: To the ship!

(They rush out, bringing along Chris' still-breathing and utterly confused torso. They rush through halls of steam blasts and rumbling. Eventually they reach the Sparrow and disengage from the airlock. Then they zoom for the retreating fleet as white beams shoot out from the station. Then there's a large explosion and the whole screen becomes white)

Henry: Well, so much for that venture. Maybe I'll go play with my Halo figures. Oh Tartarus~, time to break dance with the Flooood.

(Now turn to Coruscant, where the ending of Episode IV is played out. The music's there and so is everyone from the trilogies. A limbless Chris is sitting in the audience, and the governor is putting medals on the Jedi and the 4 leaders. Will and Sara kiss, and the Jedi bow to the audience, knowing that it's the end. Now black out screen and turn to credits which are being shown in a movie spoof. This spoof is of the dance scene from the Animal House Toga party, with Squishy playing Otis Day and Chris playing Bluto. Every single cast member from every episode is there partying down and acting silly as the credits rolls and the song "Make You Shout" is played)

**The End**

**[AUTHORS NOTE: **Despite what's been said in this story, this is _not_ the end of the trilogies. There are more yet to come, so stick around!**]**


End file.
